P3+EEdles

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Please copy the following questions to your individual page and then enter the appropriate responses. Provide evidence (quote from your own essay) whenever possible. Have fun!!!

> > (Please copy your thesis from your essay here. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.) 1. 1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? ([|TS 2]) It explains the main point in the essay through out the entire essay I support Machiavelli’s principles as an easier way to run a society. “Machiavelli’s views of management had flaws as well but were not as severe.” I also included Machiavelli’s flaws to prove how his ideas were stronger than Hobbes. 2. 2.Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? ([|TS 3]) It reflects everything in the essay because in each paragraph I go into detail about how Machiavelli’s principles were more reasonable than Hobbes. The essay develops everything in the thesis statement by building on top of my thesis statement. In my first body paragraph I say talk about how, “Machiavelli understood how powerful human emotions are.” In the second body paragraph I discuss how Hobbes the “…government must control them.” In the third body paragraph I discuss Machiavelli’s flaws and how Hobbes flaws are worse than Machiavelli’s. 3. 3.Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? ([|TS 5]) The thesis statement is positive statement because it talks about how Machiavelli’s principles are more reasonable than Hobbes instead of saying just how Hobbes is wrong. 4. 4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? My thesis does posit an argument that that is that, “Machiavelli’s principles are much more reasonable and would make it a lot easier to run a society using his ideas.” 5. 5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? ([|TS 6]) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) My thesis statement is in the active voice. “Thomas Hobbes believed that people need to be governed harshly and always under control because humans are naturally bad. On the other hand, Machiavelli believed that a society needs to have a respected leader that people would want to follow but is also feared. Machiavelli’s principles are much more reasonable and would make it a lot easier to run a society using his ideas.” Thomas Hobbes, Machiavelli, Machiavelli, and people are the subjects while believed, control, believed, follow, make are the verbs. 6. 6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. ([|TS 4]) My thesis answers the question “why” and “how” “Machiavelli believed that a society needs to have a respected leader that people would want to follow but is also feared.” 7. 7. Is your thesis statement clear [|(TS 7)], precise and limited ([|TS 8]), controversial or informative ([|TS 9]), and defensible ([|TS 10])? My thesis statement is clear and straight to the point. It is easy to understand what my argument is and what I will be talking about in the essay.
 * 1) Thesis statement and essay unity.
 * //Thomas Hobbes believed that people need to be governed harshly and always under control because humans are naturally bad and cannot be trusted. Machiavelli believed that a society needs to have a respected leader that people would want to follow but also feared. Machiavelli’s principles are much more reasonable and would make it a lot easier to run society using his ideas.//**

B. Introduction and conclusion.

(Please copy your introduction and conclusion from your essay here, labeling each. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.)

Introduction: People have always and will always have different opinions about how to control a society and what is right for the society. **//Thomas Hobbes believed that people need to be governed harshly and always under control because humans are naturally bad and cannot be trusted. Machiavelli believed that a society needs to have a respected leader that people would want to follow but also feared. Machiavelli’s principles are much more reasonable and would make it a lot easier to run society using his ideas.//** Conclusion: Both Thomas Hobbes and Niccolo Machiavelli had opinions on how to control a society. Both views had flaws but Machiavelli’s was more reasonable and would rule a society better than Hobbes. 1. 1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) My first paragraph is interesting and provides concrete and specific material to catch the reader’s attention. It starts out by relating the topic to everyone to draw the reader’s attention. “People have always and will always have different opinions about how to control a society and what is right for the society.” 1. 2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. I think that I make clear contact by relating it to present day by using examples like September 11th. 3. 3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) It does not satisfy the contact with the reader because my conclusion is very weak. I could have wrapped up my essay better by restating how this effects people daily.

C. Body

(Please copy your topic sentences and your best and worst paragraphs here, labeling each.) Topic sentences: “Machiavelli understood how powerful human emotions are.” “Hobbes believed that people do not know what they want so a government must control them.” Best paragraph: “Hobbes believed that people do not know what they want so a government must control them. The problem with this is that if the government is not loved by the people then the people will rebel. An example of this is why people started immigrating to North America from England before the United States was created. The people did not like England so they decided to leave and eventually start their own country. Hobbes also believed in survival of the fittest and all men will go to war with each other. This is problematic because there is no compassion for the humankind. People would be selfish and never help out anyone else in need. Competition is good for an economy and a society but if everyone is fighting with each other the society will be chaotic and selfish. “

Worst paragraph: “Machiavelli understood how powerful human emotions are. He believed that a leader should use these emotions to his advantage by making the people love him, but more importantly fear him. Fear is one of the most powerful emotions and in today’s society fear is used as well. After September 11th, our president used fear as part of his campaign to get people to support him in going to war with Iraq. Machiavelli also believed that he leader should live with his nation. This is important because the leader has to feel a strong connection with his people and know what his people are going through.” 1. 1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Yes they move in a logical direction because it starts with how Machiavelli was correct, then proceeded to say how Hobbes was wrong, and then what Machiavelli’s flaws were but then compared them to Hobbes and proved how the flaws were not as sever. The reader does have an experience of getting some place because I used both modern and historical examples about how each idea could go wrong. The essay flows smoothly and moves in a logical direction. 2. 2. Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? The essay is organized well except for in my worst body paragraph where I jump around a lot and it does not flow as smoothly. I jump around from talking about how a leader must be feared and loved and then to how the leader should live with their nation so that they know what the people are going through. I think that the transition between talking about Hobbes’s flaws and Machiavelli’s flaws is the strongest and I think my transition from Machiavelli’s principles to Hobbes’s flaws is the weakest. 3. 3. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? ([|DIH 2.4]) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? My essay is not that persuasive because my examples are negative. When I am trying to prove how Machiavelli’s principles are better my example uses Bush and September 11th which would be proven to how Machiavelli’s principles are not stronger than Hobbes. I do write about actual people in the essay by using examples from both modern and historical references. I could add a more positive example in my paragraph about Machiavelli’s principles to make it stronger and so that it would be easier to persuade people. 4. 4. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. ([|DIH 2.4]) I do answer the question “How do you know?” because I support my statements with examples. When proving how fear is powerful I use the example of September 11th, when proving how Hobbes ideas can lead to rebellion I use the example of immigrants leaving from England to North America and when proving Machiavelli’s flaws I show how it can be bad by using Hitler as an example. My strongest example is when I talk about immigrants coming to North America from England because it supports my argument so well. My weakest example is when I talk about September 11th because it can still be taken as a negative example even though it is trying to prove a positive point. 5. 5. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? ([|DIH 2.4], 31a 1 and 3) The evidence is explained clearly and cited correctly because I did not use quotes or sources. 6. 6. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? Each topic sentence does lead to the central point of the paragraph. My most coherent paragraph is my best paragraph and my least coherent is my worst paragraph. 7. 7. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Every paragraph is fully developed except for my worst paragraph. It is very choppy and needs to be thought through more so it can flow better. My worst paragraph is my worst developed paragraph and my best developed paragraph is my best paragraph because it flows the easiest and also proves my point the clearest. 8. 8. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? This essay has a few grammar and spelling errors and would need to be proofread better. My most frequent errors are grammar errors where I would have a thought and then say something else in the same sentence. For example part of my thesis statement says “Machiavelli’s principles are much more reasonable and would make it a lot easier to run a society using his ideas.”

Overall: 1. 1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? I thought that the essay was interesting and would be interesting to the reader because I used good examples. It would be less interesting to people who do not care about politics and who do not mind being just another person in society. The most interesting parts are my examples because it makes it easier for people to relate to and my least interesting parts are when I have grammar errors because it is hard to focus on my main ideas. 2. 2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? I think that my essay is effective and would be successful persuading other classmates to believe my thesis statement because I felt passionate about the prompt and I think that reflects in my writing.