P3+CChapin

A. Thesis statement and essay unity. some of its roots with the Iroquois Constitution but not all of them due to a change over time which required slightly different objectives for the US Constitution.//**
 * //Written after the Iroquois Constitution was the US Constitution which shares

1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? Yes, my thesis statement at the end of my essay makes the point which I stated at the beginning of my essay. I evolve it into explaining why the two are so different, “The US and Iroquois Constitutions are similar in some fundamental ways, each had its unique points which molded how their nation would be ran thus two very different worlds.”

2. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? Yes, my thesis gives a peek at everything that is going to be brought up in my essay and everything in my essay relates to the introduction. The only thing that doesn’t is the conclusion where I include at the end, ““The US and Iroquois Constitutions are similar in some fundamental ways, each had its unique points which molded how their nation would be ran thus two very different worlds.” Having two very different worlds is not part of the point I make in my thesis.

3. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? My thesis is neither positive nor negative. I point out that there are slightly different changes in the US Constitution but I do not hint at them being better or worse.

4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? My argument is that the US Constitution was derived from the Iroquois Constitution but has some changes that were necessary due to the evolution of life.

5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) written after the Iroquois Constitution was the US Constitution…not active voice

required slightly different objectives… not active voice

6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. My thesis answers the question “why” which is because “due to a change over time” but it does not answer how by giving examples of the changes but I do go onto explain in my introductory body sentences.

7. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? My thesis is clear and limited but it isn’t informative even though it is controversial by including, “the US Constitution which shares some of its roots with the Iroquois Constitution”.

B. Introduction and conclusion.


 * //Intro

Written after the Iroquois Constitution was the US Constitution which shares some of its roots with the Iroquois Constitution but not all of them due to a change over time which required slightly different objectives for the US Constitution. The type of government was organized similarly both containing checks and balances. Although traditions that are tightly woven into the Iroquois Confederation are surplus while there are no similar traditions included in the US Constitution. Another topic of the Iroquois is to include women on a common basis in contrast to the US where women had to fight for a position. Even though the US Constitution is in some ways similar to the Iroquois Constitution in many ways it leaves out certain topics or focuses on different topics.

Conclusion

The US Constitution and the Iroquois Constitution do have similar government structures and equal rights for women, women had to fight for the rights in the US that the Iroquois women were given. As for traditions being of importance in the Constitutions, the Iroquois Confederation made sure rituals were performed strictly the same while the US made no point and saw no necessity to push one set of rituals on their entire population. The US and the Iroquois Constitutions are similar in some fundamental ways, each had its unique points which molded how their nation would be ran thus two very different worlds.//**

> > 1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? My first paragraph is more specific than my thesis and gives exact examples to what my body paragraphs will be supporting. Fro example, “Although traditions that are tightly woven into the Iroquois Confederation are surplus while there are no similar traditions included in the US Constitution.”, which shows the reader that I will be comparing and contrasting each Constitutions inclusion of traditions.

2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. The Iroquois Constitution and the US Constitution are similar in some basic ways but they are different due to different interests and different priorities.

3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? I conclude with saying, “each had its unique points which molded how their nation would be ran thus two very different worlds.” Showing that they may be similar but they are still very different.

C. Body


 * //Topic 1

Both Constitutions produced by the US and the Iroquois Confederation contain checks and balances.

Topic 2

A strong objective in the Iroquois Constitution is to include traditions and by doing so they are ensuring that those traditions do not fade.

Topic 3

An important objective in the US Constitution was the inclusion of women which caused the government to mend it due to women's rights movements which pushed for more privileges for women.

Best

In contrast the the US democracy where a good percentage of the population raises the question of whether there truly is an afterlife.

Worst

Which is essential in both Constitutions although checks and balances are a big part of the US Constitution compared to the Iroqious Constitution which discusses a couple other topics in more detail.//**

1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? My essay proves the point that the two Constitutions are similar but very different and it moves to the point that the two entities have two very different styles for their society. I first prove that the two Constitutions are similar and then I transform into proving that they have differences which isn'} necessary since that is obvious which makes it a weak transition. My worst transition is into my second body paragraph because it does nothing included in my thesis.

2. Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? My strongest transition is into my first body paragraph where I must prove that the two Constitutions are similar and have fundamental similarities. My weakest is the second prior to where I prove they are similar but different.

3. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? My essay is very persuasive in proving that the two constitutions are similar and also completely proves that they simply evolved differently. For example in body paragraph number 1, "The US had the House of Representatives and the Senate in comparison to the four Lords who are split into two groups." Which is just one similarity that both Constitutions have. I show that the two are different in spite of their similar fundamental bases by including, "The Iroqoius Constitution include equal rights for women... in contrast to the US where women had to fight for those same rights...."

4. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. I should have included more information to back up my essay because the question "How do you know?" is not answered in my essay. I include, "the US where women had to fight for those same rights" but I do not include any evidence to my claim. My strongest evidence is where I show that the two Constitutions have a similar check and balance system but I do not prove that the two Constitutions are different as well.

5. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? I do reference the equal rights Amendment which is cited correctly but I do not provide a citation at the end of my essay even though since it is from the Constitution it is an obvious source. Again, I am lacking evidence but I do refer to paragraph ten of the Iroqious Constitution in reference to checks and balances.

6. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? My most coherent paragraph of my essay was my first paragraph which relates directly to explaining their similar roots, "Both Constitutions produced by the US and the Iroqious Confederation contain checks and balances." While my paragraph that relates least to my thesis is my second paragraph which discusses more of the two entities priorities, "A strong objective in the Iroqious Constitution is to include traditions and by doing so they are ensuring that those traditions do not fade."

7. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? My most developed paragraph was my third body paragraph which connects the fact that the two Constitutions have similar bases and then discusses how the two evolved depending on their society and even though theyw ere similar there are stillmany things that make them different. My least developed paragraph is my second body paragraph which is a transition from the two constitutions being similar to them being different.

8. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? I do not have many spelling errors or grammatical errors, my weakest point is clarity because I am a little too specific in certain ideas and vague in others. For example, "A strong objective in the Iroqious Constitution is to include traditions..." in contarst to, "checks and balances are a big part of the US Constitution compared to the Iroqious Constitution which discusses a couple other topics in more detail."

Overall:

1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? My essay is very interesting because I was able to compare two very different societies based ont heir Constitutions and also admit that their Constitutions produced different societies. My essay would be most interesting to Americans who are not aware of the Iroqious Constitution because it is interesting to believe that an Indian tribe's Constitution is similar to that of the United States'. This would be less satisfying to an Indian who woudl argue that they are completely different and the Iroqious Constitution is a lot more genuine than te US'. the reader will unfortunately get confused with my essay as a whole since I argue that they are both similar and very different.

2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? My essay may have students question the similarity of the two Constitutions but it will not convince them because I did not provide enough evidence and my sentences were a little too confusing for them to understand the point I am getting at in my thesis but overall, my essay is interesting and I try to bring up a good point.