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//A. Thesis statement and essay unity.//

//**Hobbes's argument toward maintaining human nature, however, is much more agreeable than Machiavelli's because Hobbes's approach is more civilized and consistent.**//

1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? ([|TS 2]) 2. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? ([|TS 3]) 3. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? ([|TS 5]) 4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? 5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? ([|TS 6]) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) 6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. ([|TS 4]) 7. Is your thesis statement clear [|(TS 7)], precise and limited ([|TS 8]), controversial or informative ([|TS 9]), and defensible ([|TS 10])?
 * The thesis statement at the end of the essay does express the main point in the essay that Hobbes's idea of maintaining mankind is more coherent to modern day society.**
 * Yes, the thesis statement is reflected in the essay when it says, "In contrast to Hobbes, Machiavelli believes..." and "The difference between Hobbes and Machiavelli is evident, however Hobbes has a more accurate view on how mankind really is in our modern society."**
 * The thesis statement reflects a positive idea toward Hobbes, but a negative one toward Machiavelli.**
 * The argument in the thesis statement is not able to be argued on its own without understanding the text that it refers to, but if the text is understood than it does pose an interesting idea.**
 * The clauses in the thesis statement are not int the active voice.**
 * The question "why?" is answered in the thesis.( "...Hobbes's approach is more civilized and consistent.")**
 * My thesis statement is very precise and to the point and could be controversal if the reader agrees with Machiavelli rather than Hobbes.**

//B. Introduction and conclusion.//

Introduction:
 * Machiavelli and Hobbes have very similar views on mankind, but differ in their belief on its management. They both think that men are naturally in competition wih one another, "every man is enemy to every man" (Hobbes), and that they are purely self-interested. //Hobbes's argument toward human nature, however, is much more agreeable than Machiavelli's because Hobbes's approach is more civilized and consistent .//**

Conclusion:
 * The radical differences people have in managing human nature is apparent in Hobbes and Machiavelli's arguments. Even though both of these ideas exist in society, the majority of mankind would probably agree with Hobbes because he has a more humane approach. Overall, Hobbes's idea that each person controls themselves peacefully rather than immorally, as Machiavelli states, is relevant to today's soceity.**

1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) 2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. 3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)
 * My first paragraph is not that interesting and probably could have used more specific details to catch the reader's attention; it does give the reader a clear idea of the topic in the essay though.**
 * I do think that there is a clear distinction regarding what the essay is on. Providing evidence as to why Hobbes has a more accurate view on managing human nature is the contrac with the reader.**
 * The contract with the reader is not completely established in the conclusion and could have used more specific examples from the essay.**

//C. Body//

Worst Paragraph~ "The first branch which rule containeth the first and fundamental law of of nature, which is: to seek peace and follow it. The second, the sum of the right of nature, which is by all means we can to defend ourselves" (Hobbes). Peace is important to have in life because it deflects people's urge to give into their competitive nature. Since competition is evident in everyone, peace plays a significant role in balancing a person's violent nature. In accordance with the second law, Hobbes says, "The right of nature...is the liberty each man hath to use his own power as he will himself on the preservation of his own nature." This quote exmplifies the idea that man should do everything in accordance with keeping his nature in check and not doing anything that may destroy it. In every aspect of a society, people are generally not self-destructive; it is inborn nature for us to preserve ourselves in any possible way possible. Hobbes's argument about self-preservation and peace seem to be much more accurate to how our society is as a whole.**
 * Topic Sentence: Hobbes has two main ideas that are dominant throughout his writing.

Best Paragraph~ Machiavelli is basically saying that if you are an honest and upright person at all times you will not be successful and powerful. This is evident in our society through Al Gore's plea for an improved society based on fixing global warming, which he does, but fails to change everyone's habits toward contributing to this atrocity. Machiavelli also feels that it is essential to be a "fake" person sometimes to gain an accomplished reputation. "And I shall dare to say this also, that to have [good qualities] and always to observe them is injurious, and that to appear to have them is useful" (Machiavelli). This type of facade is continually represented in our country's campaigns for prominent members of soceity. In every election, whether for president or mayor, the act of representing someone that is not your true character is very common, and to disagree with Machiavelli, is not always useful. Many times a person's true nature eventually becomes apparent and that only hurts the person's chance at being victorious. The difference between Hobbes and Machiavelli is evident, however Hobbes has a more accurate view on how mankind really is in our modern society.**
 * Topic Sentence: In contrast to Hobbes, Machiavelli believes mankind's management is through the use of deciet and "one prince of the present time...never preaches anything esle but peace and good faith, and to both he is most hostile, and either, if he had kept it, would have deprived him of reputation and kingdom many a time" (Machiavelli).

1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? 2. Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? 3. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? ([|DIH 2.4]) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? 4. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. ([|DIH 2.4]) 5. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? ([|DIH 2.4], 31a 1 and 3) 6. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What is your least? 7. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? 8. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?
 * The body paragraphs are in a logical order and have a general direction.**
 * My transition between my two body paragraphs is the strongest because I mention the main idea of the first paragraph in the topic sentence of the second one. The weakest transition is between the second paragraph and the conclusion.**
 * I think my essay is persuasive to someone who doubts my thesis because I provide modern examples to relate it to our society like Al Gore and his fight to end global warming. To make the essay more interesting, I should have included a modern example in the first body paragraph regrading Hobbes's views. All of the citations are clear and accurate.**
 * I do not fully answer the question "How do you know?" toward every claim I make. My evidence is definitally stronger in my second body paragraph compared to my first.**
 * The evidence could probably be explained better in the second paragraph, but all of the citations are correct according to MLA format.**
 * Yes, each sentence leads to the central point because I use key words to tie them into the introduction paragraph and each other. The most coherent paragraph is the second body paragraph and the first is the least.**
 * My least developed paragraph is my conclusion because it doesn't completely tie all of the paragraphs together in an understandable way. The second paragraph was the most developed because it had clear modern examples and better evidence from the reading.**
 * The essay is relatively free from grammar errors, but it could have been more clearly written and the main ideas in each paragraph could have been explained better.**

//Overall:// 1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? 2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?
 * This essay is not very interesting and does not attract a certain type of reader. The most interesting part in the essay is when I give the example of Al Gore and his efforts to end global warming because the reader can realate to it. The essay isn't that confusing, but it definitally could have been more enticing.**
 * The main point of the essay is well explained, but I don't feel is it very persuasive because there isn't a sense of finality in the conclusion paragraph.**