P3+DLeon

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.

//"The underlying concepts and ideas presented in the//** **//U.S.//** **//Constitution and the Iroquois Constitution can be seen as similar with very distinct differences. The Iroquois Constitution revolves around the powers vested in women and virtue, and the ultimate goal of peace by controlling power within the confederacy. Likewise, the//** **//U.S.//** **//Constitution attempts to create 'a more perfect union' by establishing checks and balances but fails to bestow an important role upon women or virtue."//**
 * __Thesis:__


 * 1) Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? ([|TS 2])

"...the Iroquois Constitution shares many concepts and ideas with the U.S. Constitution; like the separation of Powers to maintain peace. Yet, the constitutions differ in that the Iroquois instilled women and virtue as a key component in the Iroquois society where the U.S. Constitution establishes the superiority of men and the ignorance of virtue."

The thesis statement that I have written at the end of the essay really expresses the main point that I make in the essay because it ties up all of the ideas that are presented in the body paragraphs and clearly establishes the main idea.


 * 1) Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? ([|TS 3])

Yes, the thesis statement reflects everything in the essay because the thesis provides an outline of what the essay contains. Likewise, the essay further develops the main ideas presented in the thesis.


 * 1) Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? ([|TS 5])

The thesis statement makes a positive statement with regards to the Iroquois Constitution while making a negative statement on the U.S. Constitution. “..the U.S. Constitution attempts to create a ‘more perfect union’ by establishing checks and balances but **//fails//** to bestow an important role upon women or virtue.”


 * 1) Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument?

My thesis posits an argument worth arguing; that the United States Constitution has its flaws that could better society within the United States. My thesis implies that the U.S. Constitution should try to resemble the Iroquois Constitution more in order to truly form a “more perfect union”.


 * 1) Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? ([|TS 6]) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.)

Not every clause in my thesis statement is in the active voice. The first clause is in the passive voice: “can be seen,” “presented”. The second clause is in the active voice: “revolves,” “vested,” “controlling”. The third clause is also in the active voice: “attempts,” “establishing,” “fails,” “bestow”.

__Thesis:__ "The underlying concepts and ideas presented in the U.S. Constitution and the Iroquois Constitution can be seen as similar with very distinct differences. The Iroquois Constitution revolves around the powers vested in women and virtue, and the ultimate goal of peace by controlling power within the confederacy. Likewise, the U.S. Constitution attempts to create 'a more perfect union' by establishing checks and balances but fails to bestow an important role upon women or virtue."


 * 1) Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. ([|TS 4])

Yes, my thesis statement answers the questions “why?” and “how?” to the satisfaction of the doubting reader by clearly defining the purpose of the essay along with providing a simple explanation.


 * 1) Is your thesis statement clear [|(TS 7)], precise and limited ([|TS 8]), controversial or informative ([|TS 9]), and defensible ([|TS 10])?

I believe that my thesis is clear because it tells the reader what the purpose of the essay is. It is precise and limited because it does not go off on any tangents or any unnecessary arguments. It is also controversial and informative because some will argue that there are other differences between the two constitutions or they may disagree with my main point. It is defensible because it provides quotes from reliable sources to back up any opinions made by the author.

B. Introduction and conclusion.

"The underlying concepts and ideas presented in the U.S. Constitution and the Iroquois Constitution can be seen as similar with very distinct differences. The Iroquois Constitution revolves around the powers vested in women and virtue, and the ultimate goal of peace by controlling power within the confederacy. Likewise, the U.S. Constitution attempts to create 'a more perfect union' by establishing checks and balances but fails to bestow an important role upon women or virtue."
 * __Intro:__**

“As a result, the Iroquois Constitution shares many concepts and ideas with the U.S. Constitution; like the separation of Powers to maintain Peace. Yet the constitutions differ in that the Iroquois instilled women and virtue as a key component in the Iroquois society whereas the U.S. Constitution establishes the superiority of men and the ignorance of virtue.”
 * __Conclusion:__**


 * 1) Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d)

My first paragraph is interesting because it contains facts, even though these facts may appear as mere opinions. It contains vital information that is later developed throughout the essay


 * 1) Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is.

Yes, I do make a clear contract with the reader. I do so by explaining exactly what my essay will contain and elaborate on. The introductory paragraph is almost like a summary of what the essay about.


 * 1) Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)

Yes, the conclusion of my essay satisfies my contract with the reader because it restates the thesis and ties up all of the information given throughout the essay in order to further clarify my main point.

C. Body

“Women play a crucial role in the governing affairs of the Iroquois Confederacy.”
 * __Topic Sentence 1:__**

“Both the U.S Constitution and the Iroquois Constitution establish a government with checks and balances.”
 * __Topic Sentence 2:__**

“In order to become a lord in the Iroquois Constitution, one must be ‘full of peace and good will and their minds filled with yearning for the welfare of the people’ (The Great Binding Law).” “Women play a crucial role in the governing affairs of the Iroquois Confederacy. Unlike American society, ‘the lineal descent of the people of the Five Nations runs in the female line,’ whereas in American society, women give up their maiden name when married and the heritage of a name is carried and passed on by the male descendants (Ch.44, The Great Binding Law). Another important aspect on the role of women in the Iroquois Constitution is that they are the Royaneh, or Noble, who are the heirs of the Lordship titles, ‘for all time to come’ (Ch.45, The Great Binding Law). A Lordship title is the equivalent to holding an office in the U.S. Government. In our government, there are few women who have come to hold a powerful office in government. In fact, women were excluded on all matters of the Constitution until the passage of the 19th Amendment; when they were granted the right to vote. It can easily be said that women play a much more important role in the Iroquois Constitution when compared to the United States Constitution.”
 * __Topic Sentence 3:__**
 * __Best Paragraph:__**

“In order to become a lord of the Iroquois Constitution, one must be ‘full of peace and good will and their minds filled with a yearning for the welfare of the people’ (Ch.24, The Great Binding Law). This shows how the Iroquois Constitution is more concerned with having virtuous and honorable leaders instead of quick-witted, smart, and shrewd leaders like the United States. In fact, virtue is not stated among one of the qualifications for obtaining a government office. Instead the qualifications to holding an office such as in the Senate is to ‘have attained the Age of thirty years, and been nine years citizen of the United States’ (Article I, Section 3, U.S. Constitution). This shows how virtue is not a huge issue within the U.S. Constitution while it is a key component in the Iroquois Constitution.”
 * __Worst Paragraph:__**


 * 1) Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?

The paragraphs in my essay follow the thesis statement and include all of the facts necessary to prove my point. They follow through in a logical direction and it allows the reader to feel as if they’re getting someplace. I don’t think that the essay jumps around at all. It might need a better transition between my first body paragraph and my second body paragraph but there is a strong transition between the second and third paragraph.


 * 1) Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?

Overall, I believe that my essay is well organized. If I were given the opportunity to edit it I would change a few things but not too much. The best transition was probably between my second and third body paragraphs. On the other hand, the worst transition was between my first and second body paragraph. “


 * 1) Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? ([|DIH 2.4]) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected?

My essay would be very persuasive to someone who doubts my thesis because I provide specific examples from the provided texts. Most of my essay is comprised of facts and I only elaborate on the importance of those facts in order to prove my statement. My essay would have benefited from a specific reference to a person in my paragraph about women and also in the paragraph about the lordship titles.


 * 1) In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. ([|DIH 2.4])

My essay states only facts; none of it is made up from the top of my head. Every argument that is posited is backed up by support from the texts. The overall evidence is probably most satisfying in my first and second body paragraphs because they provide the most relevant information.


 * 1) Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? ([|DIH 2.4], 31a 1 and 3)

The evidence is introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly throughout the entire essay. “‘full of peace and good will and their minds filled with a yearning for the welfare of the people’ (Ch.24, The Great Binding Law).”


 * 1) Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least?

Each of the sentences in my paragraphs led to the central point. They do not stray from the main idea. My most coherent paragraph is my first body paragraph because it ties back the whole paragraph to the thesis. My second and third paragraphs do not tie back to the thesis directly, they do, however, tie back indirectly.


 * 1) Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst?

I think that each of my paragraphs is fully developed. My most developed paragraph was my first body paragraph; my least developed was my third body paragraph. The third paragraph did not develop as much as the first paragraph.


 * 1) Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?

This essay is clearly written with very few errors in grammar, spelling, and usage. My most frequent error is the over usage of certain words. The essay could use better diction.

Overall:
 * 1) How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused?

This essay is very interesting because the Iroquois Constitution is not a very well known text like the U.S. Constitution. If more people took the time to read the Iroquois Constitution, this essay would be more relevant and more interesting. This essay mostly appeals to historians or people who wish to compare the U.S. government with the government of other nations. It would not be interesting to people who are not in politics or otherwise are ignorant to the functions of the government.


 * 1) How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?

I think this immediate essay is effective to moderate extent because it is not as coherent as I would like it to be. However, given a chance to modify it, I believe that this essay could be extremely effective and persuading my class members into believing my thesis statement. I think it is effective because of the organization and the usage of facts and my analysis of those facts.