P3+ATomasek

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.


 * //Unlike Machiavelli, Hobbes believes that all men are equal in some way, but every individual considers himself that of higher purpose than everyone else. This is what sets men apart in society and makes them believe that they are unequal.//**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)?
 * Yes, it does because the body paragraphs go into more detail about what the thesis is about.**
 * The thesis** **mostly reflects everything presented in the essay but leaves out some detail. The essay does develop the thesis statement but some arguments made are not in the thesis.**
 * The thesis is positive rather than negative. "all men //are// equal"**
 * Yes is does posit an argument actually worth arguing. The argument is that all men think they are greater than the next and that is what sets them apart in society.**
 * Yes, all clauses are in the active voice. "Hobbes believes that all men..."**
 * No, my thesis does not answer the questions why and how. It states the argument but does not defend it.**
 * My thesis is clear, precise, limited and controversial. It may be easy to disagree with my argument but my argument can be defended.**

B. Introduction and conclusion.

Machiavelli and Hobbes both demonstrate their views of mankind in thier works. Hobbes believes that every man is equal in some way or another. For example, if one man is physically stronger than the other, the other can be mentally stronger. These characteristics of men balance each other out and therefore make them equal. Machiavelli believes there are are differences in man that is what sets them apart from one another. **//Unlike Machiavelli, Hobbes believes that all men are equal in some way, but every individual considers themself that of of higher purpose than everyone else. This is what sets men apart in society and makes them believe that they are unequal.// __Conclusion__** Hobbes general argument in Chapters XIII-XIV in Leviathan is that every man is equal and every man is entitles to some means of power.
 * __Introduction__**

Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)
 * My first paragraph is interesting in that it does provide some examples and specific material to explain an argument. However, it may not be detailed enough to grab the reader's attention and keep them interested.**
 * I do not make a clear contract with the reader.**
 * The conclusion does not satisfy my contract with the reader because i do not have a contract nor a fully developed conclusion.**

C. Body

__**Topic Sentence #1**__ Hobbes states that men "will hardly believe there be many so many wise as themselves." __**Topic Sentence #2**__ This brings up the next argument and that is the three principles that cause a quarrel. __**Topic Sentence #3**__ One final argument that Hobbes makes is that every man seeks power and does not like to be in a place where he cannot obtain it. __**Best Paragraph**__ This brings up the next argument and that is the three principles that cause a quarrel. The first being "competition", the second "diffidence", and the third "glory". (Hobbes) "The first maketh men invade for gain; the second, for safety; and the third for reputation." (Hobbes) These tree things not only provide for the cause of a quarrel but also the cause for war. A country can go into war for the safety or defense of themselves, to gain the glory of winning a war, or to win a war to withhold a reputation. In the case of the Iraq war, we believed our country was in danger of nuclear weapons so we went into war in fear of our country's own safety. Hobbes' argument is accurate in that the cause show up in our everyday society. __**Worst Paragraph**__ One final argument that Hobbes makes is that every man seeks power and does not like to be in a place where he cannot obtain it. No man wants to be in a place where everyone has a greater authority over him and he has no way to control anyone in the situation. This is linked to the first natural law which is the "right of nature". (Hobbes) The right of nature is "the liberty each man hath to use his own power as he will himself or the preservation of his own nature." (Hobbes) This law gives any man the right to have power no matter who he is or what situation he is in.

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?
 * Yes, my paragraphs do move in a logical direction. Each paragraph ends with a connection to the paragraph following.** T**he reader has some experience getting some place, however more explanation and detail could answer more questions they may have. The strongest transition is between the second and third pargraphs and the weakest between the third and fourth.**
 * The essay presents enough evidence but if more detail and explanation were provided it would be more persuasive.** **More analysis of the sources quoted would make it more persuasive. "'the liberty each man hath to use his power as he will himself or the preservation of his own nature.'" I write about the people as a whole but i do not reference any specific person. I could make it more interesting by adding a story to the first body paragraph by talking about individual candidates that have become enemies in an election. The second body paragraph about the Iraq War could have a source introduced to provide more specific examples.**
 * In my essay i do not always answer the question "how do you know?" because I did not always bring in an outside source to support my argument. Evidence gathered from Hobbes was used well in my essay but the essay could have used more evidence besides Hobbes to support my arguments. I did not use any evidence besides Hobbes so most evidence for arguments is weak.**
 * The evidence is introduced and cited correctly in my essay.**
 * The topic sentences from body paragraphs one and three are from the central point of the paper. However the second, about the cause of a quarrel are not shown in my original argument. My most coherent paragraph is my second body paragraph and my least is my third body paragraph.**
 * All my paragraphs are not fully developed. They all need furthur explanation and more detail to support the arguments made.**
 * The essay is for the most part clearly written. The most common errors are grammatical errors.**

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?
 * This essay is not that interesting. It definitely does not keep the reader interested because it is very bland and lacks explanation. It would be more interesting to someone who would be in politics and with more life experience. It would be less interesting to young adults, mostly teenagers who have no experience.** **The most interesting part would be the introduction and the least the third body paragraph. The readers would most likely be bored or confused when reading the third body paragraph.**
 * I believe this essay is not very effective because not enough evidence is there to persuade the reader to agree with my argument.**