P3+TMcClanahan

Welcome! Please copy the following questions to your individual page and then enter the appropriate responses. Provide evidence (quote from your own essay) whenever possible. Have fun!!!

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.
 * //Machiavelli’s ideas would cause better management over the people who need a government to rule over them. Hobbes’ ideas would cause more conflict between the people and government.//**


 * 1) **Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (**[|**TS 2**]**)** Yes the thesis at the end of my essay expresses the main point i make in my essay.
 * 2) **Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (**[|**TS 3**]**)** The thesis statement reflects everything in my essay and it is backed by quotes to support my statements.
 * 3) **Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (**[|**TS 5**]**)** The thesis statement makes a positive considering it says how "Machiavelli's ideas would cause better management," and a negative statement when it states how "Hobbes ideas would cause more conflict between the people and government."
 * 4) **Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument?** Yes, it states that "Machiavelli's ideas would cause better management over people who need a government to rule over them," and that his ideas are better then Hobbes.
 * 5) **Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (**[|**TS 6**]**) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.)** No, they are in the passive voice. Subject: ideas; Verb: would.
 * 6) **Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (**[|**TS 4**]**)** No, my thesis doesn't sate "why" or "how" Machiavelli's ideas are better, it is just stated that his ideas are more efficient.
 * 7) **Is your thesis statement clear** [|**(TS 7)**]**, precise and limited (**[|**TS 8**]**), controversial or informative (**[|**TS 9**]**), and defensible (**[|**TS 10**]**)?** My thesis statement is clear and defensible, but it does not give the reader very much information on how the argument will develope. However, it does clearly state the argument.


 * B. Introduction and conclusion.**

Machiavelli and Hobbes both sugges different ways on how people shoould be managed. Machiavelli's view of how people should be governed is better oriented to suit the lifestyles of the people. He shows this in the writing of the "Prince." **//Machiavelli’s ideas would cause better management over the people who need a government to rule over them. Hobbes’ ideas would cause more conflict between the people and government.//**
 * Introduction**

//Machiavelli's view of management is therefore more probable to keep people under control and happy. Hobbe's ideas are too harsh on the people to successly manage them.//**
 * Conclusion
 * 1) **Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d)** No, there is no specific concrete or specific material and it is very dull and boring to read.
 * 2) **Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is.** I state to the reader which greater think that i believe to have better thoughts on managing people, however i do not state how i am going to argue this opinion.
 * 3) **Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)** No, it is kind of restated.


 * C. Body

(Please copy your topic sentences and your best and worst paragraphs here, labeling each.) Topic Sentence 1:** One of Machiavelli's thoughts on how mankind should be managed was to be nice to his people, but still be feared by them.
 * Topic Sentence 2:** Hobbes, however, states that the people need a government that has much power over them.
 * Topic Sentence 3:** Machiavelli also says that "he who becomes master of a city accustomed to freedom and does not destroy it, may expect to be destroyed by it" (Machiavelli).


 * Best Paragraph:** One of Machiavelli's thoughts on how mankind should be managed was to be nice to his people, but still be feared by them. By being nice to the people the leader will earn their respect and trust. However, he also says that "benefits ought to be given little by little, so that the favor of them may last long" (Machiavelli). This shows that a leader should be giving, but not too giving. If he gives little by little he can keep control over his people while still being kind to them. If he is to give a lot at a time and then wait awhile, his favor of giving will be expected and the people could get frustrated over the length over time.


 * Worst Paragraph:** Hobbes, however, states that the people need a government that has much power over them. He says that authorities may abuse their power because it is the price one must pay for the government to keep peace. Having a gaovernment that abuses its power will result in a population that is unhappy. If the population is unhappy then the government will struggle to manage the people.
 * 1) **Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason?** The paragraphs of my essay flow in a logical direction. They explain both sides and then more evidence is given on why I chose Machiavelli's ideas.
 * 2) **Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?** Overall the transitions were weak. The strongest is between my best and worst paragraphs, even though it is still weak.
 * 3) **Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (**[|**DIH 2.4**]**) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected?** My essay would be persuasive to someone who doubts my thesis because specific examples are given such as, "injuries ought to be done all at one time, so that, being tasted less, they offend less" (Machiavelli). These examples are also supported with explanations. I do not write about actual people in the essay. I could add a story in the last body paragraph that describes a leader who was successful in using ideas that were similar to Machiavelli's. A citation should be provided in the second body paragraph that givesa concrete example of one of Hobbes' ideas.
 * 4) **In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (**[|**DIH 2.4**]**)** No, I do not answer the question "how do you know?" for every claim. The overall evidence in the essay is alright however a quote from Hobbes in the second body paragraph is necessary. My strongest essay is in the final paragraph where i use examples that state why I believe that Machiavelli's views are better for a society.
 * 5) **Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (**[|**DIH 2.4**]**, 31a 1 and 3)** The is indroduced fairly poorly, but explained well.
 * 6) **Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least?** Almost every sentence leads back to the central point. My most coherent paragraph is: One of Machiavelli's thoughts on how mankind should be managed was to be nice to his people, but still be feared by them. By being nice to the people the leader will earn their respect and trust. However, he also says that "benefits ought to be given little by little, so that the favor of them may last long" (Machiavelli). This shows that a leader should be giving, but not too giving. If he gives little by little he can keep control over his people while still being kind to them. If he is to give a lot at a time and then wait awhile, his favor of giving will be expected and the people could get frustrated over the length over time. My least coherent paragraph is: Hobbes, however, states that the people need a government that has much power over them. He says that authorities may abuse their power because it is the price one must pay for the government to keep peace. Having a gaovernment that abuses its power will result in a population that is unhappy. If the population is unhappy then the government will struggle to manage the people.
 * 7) **Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst?** No, each paragraph is kind of shortened. My best develepoed paragraph is: One of Machiavelli's thoughts on how mankind should be managed was to be nice to his people, but still be feared by them. By being nice to the people the leader will earn their respect and trust. However, he also says that "benefits ought to be given little by little, so that the favor of them may last long" (Machiavelli). This shows that a leader should be giving, but not too giving. If he gives little by little he can keep control over his people while still being kind to them. If he is to give a lot at a time and then wait awhile, his favor of giving will be expected and the people could get frustrated over the length over time. My worst developed paragraph is my conclusion: Machiavelli's view of management is therefore more probable to keep people under control and happy. Hobbe's ideas are too harsh on the people to successly manage them.
 * 8) **Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?** The essay is clearly written despite a few grammatical errors.


 * Overall:**
 * 1) **How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused?** This essay is not very interesting. It might appeal to those who care about understanding different ideas of how leaders can rule. The whole essay is boring and wont keep readers very interested.
 * 2) **How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?** I believe it is fairly success in persuading because it has strong arguments.