P3+AAguilar

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Please copy the following questions to your individual page and then enter the appropriate responses. Provide evidence (quote from your own essay) whenever possible. Have fun!!!

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.


 * //Hobbes presents good evidence in his arguments about humans, but it is Machiavelli's direct plan for the running of society, that ensures success, that seems to be more prominent in today's society.//**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) Yes, it directly correlates to the prompt and shows a plan of attack; however the whole introductory paragraph is needed to fully grasp the main point that will be talked about. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) Not everything, as it does leave out the comparisons and some other relevant information that can be found in the complete introduction. Example: “both have similar beliefs” Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) Yes it is positive, and does not ridicule either of the authors, but mentions their differences. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? The thesis includes an argument that is worth arguing, but seems to lack interest in my opinion, as it presents two comparable philosophies by two prominent historical figures. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) Everything is in the active voice. Evidence: **//presents, ensures, seems//** Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) My thesis answers both of these questions, as I mention that both Machiavelli and Hobbes have their strengths; Hobbes’ being evidence, and Machiavelli’s being his current impact on society. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? My thesis is informative, as it tells you exactly what you will find in the body paragraphs with some direction.

B. Introduction and conclusion.

Introduction: Although Machiavelli and Hobbes both have similar beliefs on humans in general, they have very different views on how society should be managed. Both use different approaches when discussing people's position in society, and how government should be ruled; however Machiavelli’s ideas seem to be more reasonable when looking at contemporary society, for several reasons. **//Hobbes presents good evidence in his arguments about humans, but it is Machiavelli's direct plan for the running of society, that ensures success, that seems to be more prominent in today's society.//**

Conclusion:

Machiavelli also concentrates on the morality of human being s within society and virtue. He argues that the reason why people need a virtuous leader is because members of a society are generally selfish and disloyal, which correlates to Hobbes' philosophy of human nature as well; however Machiavelli also believed that if a leader was moral society could lack morality and still be successful, which is somewhat rhetorical.

Is your first paragraph interesting? It is relatively interesting, as it is precise, and draws the reader into the body paragraphs with direction. Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) The introductory paragraph creates a plan of attack that has relevant material that is bound to draw the reader into the body. Example: “//Hobbes presents good evidence in his arguments about humans//” and “Machiavelli’s ideas seem to be more reasonable when looking at contemporary society” Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. A contract is a description of what will follow in the body, and it is evident that the introduction has a clear description of what will follow. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) Yes, it restates the key points that are mentioned in the introduction; however my conclusion was wrapped into the last body paragraph, which may not have been the strongest way to conclude the essay.

C. Body

Best: Although Machiavelli’s approach to human society is relevant, it does not teach a lesson, or explain his position using evidence, as Hobbes does, but rather states what should be done in order to ensure success. Hobbes believed that humans were only driven by self motivation, and were, therefore, selfish by nature, as well; however Hobbes uses this idea in a different way. Instead of suggesting how society should be run, he describes society itself, and presents flaws. He believes that society only functions because people are more rational in a group in order to maximize their individual welfare. This directly contrasts Machiavelli’s idea that people could not function without “orders and modes”, as he believes that humans could not function without strict guidelines. This is obviously not realistic in most groups as people do not always behold obligations to society as a while. For example, if students were not required to attend school, the majority of students would not go, which would ultimately create an ignorant society, which is not beneficial to the mass, or themselves. Even though one may gain through education themselves, and also help society, people tend to be unmotivated, and are “not concerned with the welfare of the country”, as Machiavelli would state. On the other hand Hobbes does attempt to use a scientific approach to describe human nature, which provides more evidence and support to his argument.

Worst: There is no doubt that both Machiavelli and Hobbes both have ideas that are somewhat outdated, but some of Machiavelli’s ideas, in particular, seem to be timeless. Although Machiavelli uses a "prince", when discussing government roles, we can often apply his principals to our presidents, and other rulers within society. Machiavelli was a firm believer in central government, and although Americans are not completely controlled by a single figure, as he saw to be the best, Americans are under a federal authority and set of laws that the entire country has to live by. This idea of a central power has not only been enforced through the constitution in the United States, but has also been successful in other countries, states, and cities because the only way to create order in society is to enforce laws which should apply to all. Machiavelli believed that the primary ruler should "determine every aspect of the state", and to some extent this is true today, as the President of the United States ultimately has the final say in the country's decisions, as he can veto any law that he does not agree with.

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? All paragraphs have a different argument, and they all start off strong, but I definitely need to work on my organization throughout. Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? There is no final point that my entire essay is directed toward, but I do believe that I fulfill my goal of informing them about the comparison between Machiavelli and Hobbes when discussing society and mankind. Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? My essay is not jumpy, but at times I skew from the argument a little. Example: “…to some extent this is true today, as the President of the United States ultimately has the final say in the country's decisions, as he can veto any law that he does not agree with.” Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? The two paragraphs in the middle about Machiavelli transition well because they are about the same person, but when transitioning to the paragraph about Hobbes it is a little more awkward, since I did not mention Hobbes very much in the previous paragraphs. Example: Although Machiavelli’s approach to human society is relevant, it does not teach a lesson, or explain his position using evidence, as Hobbes does, but rather states what should be done in order to ensure success. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? I support my thesis enough so that someone who may be skeptical about my direction can figure it out by the end of my essay. What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Examples: “This directly contrasts Machiavelli’s idea that people could not function without ‘orders and modes’, as he believes that humans could not function without strict guidelines.” In this quote I illustrate Machiavelli’s ideas which differ those of Hobbes, using his words to create stronger evidence that their views contrast. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? This is a mere comparison between two people’s ideologies, so story would not help; however I should have included more direct citation to make my argument stronger. Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? I need more direct citations to begin with; I failed to remember my materials, so I had to do most of it by memory. Luckily I had a few quotes in my notes, which were helpful. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied?

Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) As mentioned I need more citations, but I think I do an acceptable job of creating an argument using Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) I did not know that that was necessary for this in class essay, so I did not include it. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? Most of my sentences lead to the paragraph’s central point, but there are a few sentences that could have been more direct. Example: “For example, if students were not required to attend school, the majority of students would not go, which would ultimately create an ignorant society, which is not beneficial to the mass, or themselves.” (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? My best paragraph is the most coherent. What your least? My worst paragraph is the least coherent. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? All paragraphs are complete and as developed as I could make them. What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? See above. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? My most frequent errors would have to be repetition. I am used to right clicking for synonyms, so my vocabulary is somewhat limited.

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? My essay is not exceptional, but does a decent job of answering the prompt and creating some sort of an argument. To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? I am pretty sure that nobody my age would find this interesting, so perhaps someone with some maturity and education. To what kinds of readers less interesting? Students in general, as well as people who find philosophy to boring, will not find my essay to be of interest. What parts are most and what least interesting? I do not think that any of it is very interesting, but I think that the most interesting part is the last paragraph as a whole because there is contrast between Machiavelli and Hobbes. The least interesting would have to be the entire first paragraph, as it is not written very well, and is kind of a stretch. Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? As mentioned, the first paragraph is probably the most boring and confusing, as it is not very interesting and my argument is sort of a stretch. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? I do not think this essay is as terrible as my previous essay, but I could do better if time permitted. I think other members of the class would consider my thesis to be acceptable as well because I have direction, something I lacked in the past.

note: **I color coded everything, but once you save the page everything goes back to being black and white...sorry!!! I tried!!! =)**