P4+MSandoval

__A. Thesis statement and essay unity.__


 * //This struggle for power leads to the growth of wars amongst nations, and wars within ourselves. These very wars reveal that although there exsists a diference of opinion, there is also equality amongst all humans: a balance we posses with both virtues and the vices excluded.//**

1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) I didn't write a conclusion therefore I do not have any two thesis senteces to compare 2. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) No because I make a point that is not even answering the question given in the prompt, the body goes on the discuss about other things, that might have place in modern society, but I never make mention of it. 3. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) The thesis statement makes a positive statement in stating that ultimately one is not better than the other, we hold equality. Despite the anger and frustations humanity as a sense of eqaulity maybe even unity to keep balance. //"although there exsists a diference of opinion, there is also equality amongst all humans"// 4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? It proabaly does hold a respectable argument, however the wording lacks clarity. The argument itself is supsoe to be that, in supprt of Hobbes, humanity strives for power, but this does not mean its ultimate destruction, or the complete lack of balance. Somewhere in the confusion we find a form of unity and balance. 5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) Yes every clause(two sentences) is in active voice. struggle-leads wars-reveal opinion- exsist is-equality 6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) The thesis does answer why and how, but a reader may not agree therefore it might not satisfy the reader to agree with the thesis itself. 7. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? I feel that it is controversial because it's a bold idea, that ultimately needs stronger support in terms of the body paragraphs.

__B. Introduction and conclusion.__

Through both internal and external power struggles we see that Hobbe's view of mankind is displayed in our contemporary society. Power, according to Hobbes is the object of all man's desires. **//This struggle for power leads to the growth of wars amongst nations, and wars within ourselves. These very wars reveal that although there exsists a diference of opinion, there is also equality amongst all humans: a balance we posses with both virtues and the vices excluded.//** What one man lacks another has, what one man has, another lacks, and they complete one another. However, these differences of opinion, these desires for power, cause clashes that are in need of a sovereign to overule these opinions his subjects. Thus control of the individual is in the hands of the subjects. No conclusion

1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) It is interesting becasue it amuses the reader due to the fact that sevral attempts at a point are made but not followed through. There is not focus on the topic at hand, there is not answer to the question in the prompt. Soley a brief mention of society, "//Hobbe's view of mankind is displayed in our contemporary society"// 2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. I do not believe I made a clear contract with the reader because no point is clear enought to creatye a contract. 3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) I did not write a conclusion

__C. Body__ 1. Humans naturaly strive for power, and society has shown this to us through a variety of individuals. 2. In order to obtain peace both individual and society must find balance, despite man's unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Only one body paragraph Humans naturally strive for power, and society has shown this to us through a variety of individual. Men whom do not conform for the simplistics they posses: leaders of nations, buisness men, and society as a whole. As politicians run for posistions, they constantly strive to appeal to a wdie demographic: in a attempt to gain popular support thus eventual power in their political seat. Buisness men push to become better and hold a stronger position: Along the way these men step upon people; does this make them bad or cruel people? Maybe, however it makes him a smart buisness man. Yet his desire for power, leads him to search for it at all costs and at the expense of anyone. At this point we might possibly see the cause of a war between two men whom aim for the same position, therefore creating enemies whom attempt to destory one another. These are simply the power struggles within subjects themselves. Soverigns are the basis of Hobbe's view of common power: a necessity for the prevention of internal war,"during the time men live without a common power to keep them all in awe, they are in that condition. Which is called war and such a war as is of every man against every man."

1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? Overall the essay does not move in in any given direction, besides its length, there is no clarity not one point being answered. It is as if multiple questions are being answered. The strongest transition being, ...//Which is called war and such a war as is of every man against every man//....too...//In order to obtain peace both individual and society must find balance, despite man's unquenchable thirst for knowledge//. My weakest transition is .....//These are simply the power struggles within subjects themselves//...too.... //Soverigns are the basis of Hobbe's view of common power: a necessity for the prevention of internal war.// 2. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? If anything, my essay would just prove that the reader was correct in doubting my thesis, for the complete lack of support in the body. The thesis talks about a possible balance and equality of all mankind, but there is not refernce to it in the body paragraph, //"Yet his desire for power, leads him to search for it at all costs and at the expense of anyone. At this point we might possibly see the cause of a war between two men whom aim for the same position, therefore creating enemies whom attempt to destory one another."// I do not write about people, but I could provide real names of political leaders whom embode these notion of ultimately, despite flaws create balance and order. The quotation with which I ended the essay is completely off, I would change it to at least try to supprt any ideas a created in the paragraph. 3. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) I do not answer the questions of all doubting readers, There is ammutature presentation of evidence very simplistic support. The strongest would be ...//creating enemies whom attempt to destory one another. These are simply the power struggles within subjects themselves...//The weakest would be//.....Soverigns are the basis of Hobbe's view of common power:// 4. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) No it is not, there is nor reference to any sources used. 5. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? No sentence leads to any form of the sentral point. There is only one paragragh, and it is was not coherent at all. 6. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? No paragraph is fully developed, my best is my introduction paragraph, and my worst is my first body paragraph. This essay is not written clearly, and has various erros in trems of grammer and usage.

Overall: 1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? This essay is not interesting in terms of giving any useful opinions. There are various parts where readers will be both bored and confused. 2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? I believe this essay is not effective at all, because it lacks fluidness, it jumps from idea to idea, ideas which are not given any support.