P3+WBarloon

Welcome!

Please copy the following questions to your individual page and then enter the appropriate responses. Provide evidence (quote from your own essay) whenever possible. Have fun!!!

A. Thesis statement and essay unity. (Please copy your thesis from your essay here. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.)
 * //These similarities come with striking differences that change the face of each other's arguments.//**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) I believe the thesis at the end of the essay does express the main point that I try to make in the intro thesis and throughout the essay. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) The thesis statement does not reflect everything in the essay because it doesn't point out specific arguments. However, I believe that the essay develops the thesis because it takes the general argument and goes into specifics that clarify. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) My thesis makes a positive statement because it claims that the two men made differences in their arguments. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? It does not make a argument worth arguing. The argument is that their arguments are different, thats ridiculous. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) The thesis statement is in the passive voice. Subject, similarities; verb, come. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) My thesis does not answer the questions why or how. It just says that there are differences that make the arguments different. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? The thesis is clear. It is not so precise and very limited in a bad way. It is not controversial or informative but is suppose that it is defensible.

B. Introduction and conclusion. The two great thinkers Thomas Hobbes and Niccolo Machiavellli have very similar ideas of how a government should rule and of the people the government does rule. However, **//these similarities come with striking differences that change the face of each other's arguments.//** (Please copy your introduction and conclusion from your essay here, labeling each. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.)
 * Introduction**
 * Conclusion**
 * //Though the basis of both Niccolo Machiavelli and Thomas Hobbes ideas are the same, the subtle but great differences change their arguments completley.//** These differences work to create a correct, and though not incorrect, less correct statement of society between the two men.

Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) It is not very interesting and it does not provide concrete or specific material to catch the reader's attention or setup for the body paragraphs. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. I do not make a clear contract with the reader so it is difficult to summarize what that contract is. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) It would be satisfactory to a small number of readers because it restates the thesis but the thesis is poor so for most readers it is no good.

C. Body The first of these similarities is the shared view that a government should have complete control. A second differing element of each writing are the views of people. Lastly, teh views of the character of society have differences. The first of these similarities is teh shared view that a government should have complete control. Both men believe that the nation's or principalities power should lay in the hands of a single man or organization with help and influence of few others. The major difference in this case is the ideas of doing what the ruled people desire. Machiavelli states that a ruler should do what the people wish as long as it maintains freedom. In stark contrast to Machiavelli, Hobbes writes that a government should act according to what is best for th nation, weather or not the people endorse such acts as long as liberties are maintained. In this case, I agree with Machiavelli's writings. Today's society shows that if the people aren't happy with the ruler, they will do what they can to replace the government. The majority of the time if something is done to appease the people, they will be kept in relative happiness and the nation will be unified. A unified nation is much stronger than one divided. As Abe Lincoln once said, "United we stand, divided we fall." //Though the basis of both Niccolo Machiavelli and Thomas Hobbes ideas are the same, the subtle but great differences change their arguments completley.//** These differences work to create a correct, and though not incorrect, less correct statement of society between the two men.
 * __Topic #1__**
 * __Topic #2__**
 * __Topic #3__**
 * __Best__**
 * __Worst__

(Please copy your topic sentences and your best and worst paragraphs here, labeling each.)

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? The paragraphs in the body of my essay appear to have little or no logical direction. They seem to jump around and no to answer to many questions. For the most part I think my transitions were weak all around. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? The essay would be failry persuasive because of the fact that I provided evidence about the claim of having differences in their arguments. However, the references I used to common day occurances are vague and unspecific. It would have helped to have better and less general modern day references. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) I believe the how do you know questions have been answered. However, the quality of the evidence is not so great, especially for the modern day references. The evidence is weakest when I say, "Today's society shows that if the people aren't happy with the ruler, they wil do what they can to replace the government." This was unsupported. It was best when I used a quote from Abraham Lincoln, "United we stand, divided we fall." Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) The evidence from the texts are cited incorrectly if at all. However, the quotes are explained. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? The sentences in the paragraphs stay in the same general area as the central argument but occasionaly stray. The most coherent paragraph was the first body paragraph and the least was the conclusion. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? My body paragraphs were developed but the introduction and conclusion lack organization and coherency. There are frequent grammar errors throughout the essay.

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? I don't think this essay is very interesting. It would be more interesting to a student studying politics or human behaviors. Less interesting to people like me. I believe the least interesting were the intro and conclusion. I think most readers would be bored through the whole thing. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? I don't believe the essay was very effective because it lacks organization and good evidence. The evidence is not cited correctly and arguments don't make sense.