P3+MDang

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= = =A. Thesis statement and essay unity.=

__Thesis__: **//“Although vastly negative on their views of “men”, each has their own unique set of principles on how to govern a society.”//**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) - **The thesis above sets the framework of my essay, but lacks detail on exact principles on what is being argued in the essay.**

Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) - **The thesis does not reflect everything in the essay, but the essay includes arguments and examples of both Hobbes and Machiavelli's "unique set of principles."**

Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) - **The thesis is neither positive or negative.**

Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) - **There is no arguments in the thesis, just basic facts on what is going to be said in the essay. There is no argument stated in the thesis, but there are arguments within the essay. For example, opinions about if a government is allowed to lie to its people, like how Machiavelli suggests in __The Prince__.**

Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) - **The thesis doesn't answer the question why or how? It is but a merely mediocre thesis, with in fact no argument stated. If there is a doubtful reader, this thesis would further complicate there all ready feeble minds.**

Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? -**The thesis is clear, precise and limited for its stature, but it is lacking to be informative.**

B. Introduction and conclusion.
__Introduction:__ **//"Niccolo Machiavelli and Thomas Hobbes both view the pessimistic views on mankind. Although vastly negative on their views of "men", each have their own unique set of principles on how to govern a society."//**

__Conclusion__ **//" Niccolo Machiavelli and Thomas Hobbes envisions the negative aspects of human nature and presents two opposite ways in governing humans. Machiavelli views man as evil, and to control them by lying to them, while Hobbes views men as evil, but capable to govern themselves. This slight acceptance is the window that shows hope for man, which is not apparent in Machiavelli's eyes."//**

Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) - **My first paragraph is compelling and interesting. It provides examples that tie in with Machiavelli's view of lying to the people to sustain peace to the media's propaganda to gather support for war today. It would catch a reader's attention with either opposing opinions or radical agreement.**

Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. - **My contract with the reader is acceptance. Hobbes and Machiavelli believes man is evil and views man pessimistically. This is something that humans can not accept. To realize that we are not perfect or anything close to it scares people, or at least most people. Even though we don't realize it, the tactics Machiavelli suggests in The Prince, applies with rulers today. "They wouldn't do that to us? The government wouldn't lie." -AVPR**

Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) - **My conclusion is lackluster and vague. It lacks to tie the already weak argument together.**

C. Body
__Topic Sentence__: **//"Niccolo Machiavelli and Thomas Hobbes both view the pessimistic views on mankind."//**

__Best Sentence__: **//" Lying and deceiving your people does not subside the conflict. Keeping the people ignorant may be temporary peaceful, but is not useful in the long run. In a world where people are always seeking knowledge and truth, lies can not be built within the framework of the government."//**

__Worst Sentence__:**//" Hobbes believes that war on every man is existent if the will to fight is present." The government officials of Darfur continuously oppress their people and see nothing wrong about it. But advocates who notice the oppression are willing to fight and support for the Darfurians and end the genocide there."//**

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?

- **The paragraphs move somewhat in a logical direction, but could of benefited from an organizer. The reader does get the experience of going to a place of self evaluation as well as worldwide evaluation, but may seem hasty and not apparent due to the messiness of the essay. The essay does jump around due to trying to incorporate as many arguments and principles within the essay. The transitions of the essay are messy and rough and feels poorly outline.**

Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected?

- **There is no thesis statement, therefore it would not be persuasive to begin with. The points in my essays are: lying does not keep long term peace, man will often choose selfishly, government is based on the people, people are created equal, and war is evident it the will to fight for it is present. In my second paragraph on Hobbes' principles are basically stated for the most part.**

In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4)

- **I answer the question of "how do you know", by providing examples of current events that should be familiar to most audiences. My strongest evidence comes from the fact that deceiving the people into a war can only lead to troublesome errors in the long run. Look at the Vietnam War, the Iraq war. Two publicized avoidable and unneeded wars that are nation faces.**

Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph?

- **There are no citations. Each sentence mainly dos not flow to the central point, because there was no central point stated in the topic sentence. The most coherent paragraph is the first body paragraph. It is the most flow-y of them all, and actually contains an argument worth arguing about.**

Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?

- **Each paragraph for the most part is not fully developed. The whole thing is poorly organized and is clearly rushed. The most developed paragraph is the first body paragraph which provides actual examples that are coherent to its argument. The essay is filled with grammatical and spelling errors. My most frequent errors are jumping arguments that don't end up being explained and the essay is poorly hand written and difficult to read.**

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?


 * - This essay is as interesting as doing this evaluation. It would most likely appeal to babies who stumble upon this and eat it or perhaps someone who is under the influence of illegal drugs unwillingly trying to pass time. Intelligent ape decedents would be less than thrilled to read this essay. One part of the essay can appeal to the majority of the population, but other than that, the enthusiasm is not apparent in most arguments. The essay if less impressive than I know I am capable of and is somewhat effective. The points and arguments are worth arguing, but is very messy. Overall a C-.**