P3+DSchlutz

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.

//**It is for this reason that the Iroqious Consistution parrallels the US Constitution in many ways. However, these two documents also differ greatly.**//
 * Thesis:**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) Yes, it does, "Both the Iroquios and the US Constitution share the same basic concept and goal." My main point was that they had alot in commom.

Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) My thesis statement states that the US and Iroquois have alot of things in common, and I develop into mentioning how they both were constructed to united seperate powers, preserve peace, and divy up power.

Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) My thesis statement was a positive statement, I used no negitives.

Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? My thesis statement succeeds in presenting an arguement worth argueing, the argument is that "the Iroquios Constitution parrellels the US Constitution in many ways." And there are also many differences.

Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) Yes. History-is riddled / the Iroquios Constitution-parralells / these two documents-differ

Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) My thesis statement succeeds in answering the questions why and how. They are alike because "North America is riddled with conquest, war, and union and disunion, and a persevering neceisty of order." This brings up that they were both meant to install unity and peace because both nations were lacking in both departments.

Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? My thesis statment is clear because I get straight to the point and state it bluntly. It is precise and limited for the same reason. My thesis is not controversial because I took no extremes and informative because I gave some evidence but I left enough out to develop into. My point is argueable because I took a stand that was not extreme and could easilly be backed up.

B. Introduction and conclusion.


 * Intro:**
 * //The history of North America is riddled with conquest, war, union and disunion, and a persevering necesity of order. It is for this reason that the Iroquois Constitution parrallels the US. Constitution in many ways. However, these two documents also differ greatly.//

Conclusion: //Both the Iroquios and the U.S. Constitution share the same basic concept and goal. This is to take something that had once been utter chaos and turn it into something peaceful, a world worth dieing for to live in. This U.S Constitution succeeded in Uniting the U.S. as the Iroquios Constition succeeded in united the Iroquois.//**

Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) My first paragrapth is interesting because I open with a nice hook. "The history of North America is riddled with conquest, war, union and disunion, and a persevering necesity of order. It's alluring material is quite likely to catch the reader's attention, make them interested in the topic, and focus on the topic.

Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) Yes, I made a contract that I would provide my answer to the question and present factual information to back it up. My conclusion succceeds in doing so because I have backed up all my arguments earlier and I just restate my main points.

C. Body 1-Both the United States and Iroquois Constitutions were written to establish and maintain peace. 2-Another aspect of uniting despite the geographic one, is the poitical one. 3-One big different in the two nations Constitutions are the place women had in Government. 4-Another difference between the US and Iroquios Consititutions is that the US one established a nation where the Federal government would be superior to the individual governments within the nation, whereas the Iroquios had a different system.
 * Topic Sentances:**

Both the United States and Iroquios Constitutions were written to establish and maintain peace. Before the Iroquios were united with their Constitution, they were an assortment of five competing nations. These seperated nations were weak and could easily be invaded and devasted by a foriegn rival. In the words of an Indian leader, "It is easy to snap one arrow. With a bundle of arrows, all held tight, it is impossible." This bsic concept is also sen in those who wrote the U.S. Constitution. As Franklin put it, "We either hang together or hang seperately." In both the US Constitution, and Iroquois' theree is an avident need to unite.
 * Best Paragraph**

One big different in the two nations Consititutions are the place women had in Government. The U.S. Consititution fail to mention their role, this is because they had none. Their contitution stated all men are created equal, it didn't bring women. However, the Iroquois Constitution made room for them. It stated that if a man wasn't able to do something in a meeting or went, a women may take his place.
 * Worst Paragraph**

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? My essay moves in a logical direction, I develop my thoughts to a somewhat extent. The reader does have the experiance of getting to a general point. From time to time, my essay does make a "leap" put on the overall picture I pulled it off. My transistions were weak at best.

Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? My orginization is apparent and is not that bad. I started saying that the Consitutions are alike then ended with why they aren't. I started the transistions strong then got weak, but pulled it off with a strong conclusion.

Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? My essay would be persuasive to someone who doubted my theisis statement, but only to a limited degree. I had enough support via historic background and references to the Consititutions. I write about two seperate actual people. I could add in a story or anicdote about the US Consistution and how it was made. These are places where citation is necessary.

In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) I succeeded in answering the How do you know? question for every claim I made. I referenced the Constitutions, though indirectly. I did not do so strong enough so a doubting reader would not be satisfied. My evidence was a halfway point, it wasn't phenominal but it wasn't nonexistant or poor.

Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) My evidence lacked MLA citation, however, it is presented clearly.

Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? MY evidence is always led from my central point. My most coherant paragraph is my second and the least is my fourth.

Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? No, some of my paragraphs required further elaboration. My second paragraph was good as was my first, fifth and sixth, the rest needed more. My essay contains a moderate to high amount of spelling/gramatical errors.

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? My essay is moderately interesting. This essay would appeal most to people interested in history, and least to those who aren't. My essay is most interesting in the begining, gets dull, then has a nice outro. Readers may get bored and confused in the mid section. My essay is about 82% effective, I have many good points, but I should have elaborated more.