P3+JJohnston

Please copy the following questions to your individual page and then enter the appropriate responses. Provide evidence (quote from your own essay) whenever possible. Have fun!!!

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.


 * //The two Constitutions are very similar in the forming of their governments and how they handle traitors. The Constitutions are different because of the way that leaders are appointed and women’s role in the government.//**

1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) 2. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) 3. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) 4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? 5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) 6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) 7. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)?
 * Yes, my thesis expresses the main point I make in the essay because it states what I am going to write about.
 * Yes, the thesis statement reflects everything in the essay and develops everything. It states what the essay is going to talk about and how they two Constitutions are similar and different.
 * My thesis states is both positive positive because it never says anything negative. Even when writing the differences it stays positive when saying, "The Constitutions are different because of the way that leaders are appointed and women’s role in the government."
 * My thesis is in an active voice because I use verbs such as "forming of their governments" and "handle traitors", but the phrase "leaders are appointed" is not in an active voice.
 * Yes, my thesis answers "why" and "how" because it gives example of how their Constitutions were different and similar. They were similar in "the forming of their governments and how they handle traitors." They were different in "the way that leaders are appointed and women's role in the government."
 * My thesis statement is clear and precise, being only two sentences. It is informative and defensible.

B. Introduction and conclusion.

Introduction: //**The Native American Iroquois Confederation was organized around the same time that the United States Americans were being organized. They both wrote up Constitutions for their great nations around the same time. The two Constitutions are very similar in the forming of their governments and how they handle traitors. The Constitutions are different because of the way that leaders are appointed and women’s role in the government.**//

Conlcusion: //**Overall, the Iroquois Constitution and the United States Constitution had their similarities and differences. They both had a similar structure of government and they handled treason in the same way. They were different because of how they elected their leaders and women’s role in the government.**//

1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? 2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. 3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)
 * My first paragraph is not that interesting because it is too general and I should have been more specific. For example, "The Native American Iroquois Confederation was organized around the same time that the United States Americans were being organized. They both wrote up Constitutions for their great nations around the same time." should have been explained to what exact period of time they were founded.
 * I do make a clear contract with the reader, stating what the topic is and how I am going to write about it.
 * My conclusion does satisfy the contract restating, how the Constitutions were similar and different, but it could have used a little more description.

C. Body

Topic Sentences:
 * //**The Iroquois Confederation wrote their Constitution first and the United States seemed to have some of the same ideas.**//
 * //**Another similarity the two Constitutions have was that they both felt the same way about treason.**//
 * //**They differed on how to elect their leader for their nation.**//
 * //**Another difference was that the Iroquois Constitution included women in their government structure, while the United States did not.**//

Best Paragraph: //**The Iroquois Confederation wrote their Constitution first and the United States seemed to have some of the same ideas. In the Iroquois Constitution, they had their government set up as the Five Nations Confederate Council. “All the business of the Five Nations Confederate Council shall be conducted by the two combined bodies of Confederate Lords. First the question shall be passed upon by the Mohawk and Seneca Lords, then it shall be discussed and passed by the Oneida and Cayuga Lords.” This system of the Iroquois’ government is very similar to the United States’ House of Representatives and Senate. Both Constitutions have a two house government to check the balances of power. Both nations realized that having a balance of power was necessary to create a solid government.**//

Worst Paragraph: //**Another similarity the two Constitutions have was that they both felt the same way about treason. “If a nation…should any way endeavor to destroy the Great Peace by neglect or violating its laws…, such a nation or such nations shall be deemed guilty of treason and called enemies…They shall be warned once and if a second warning is necessary they shall be driven from the territory of the Confederacy by the War Chiefs and his men.” The Iroquois strongly believed in peace, but if they had to keep warning a person who does treason, they would declare war on them. The United States also feels this way about treason when saying in their Constitution, “Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies.” Both nations would go to war after a treason, but they would try and create peace when they can. The United States shows that when they would join the traitor’s enemy instead of directly going to war.**//

1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? 2. Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? 3. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? 4. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) 5. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? 6. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? 7. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? 8. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? Overall:
 * My essay moves in a logical direction stating the similarities first and then the differences, but the transitions are absent. The closest thing I have to a transition is, "The Iroquois Constitution and the United States Constitution also differed in many aspects." The transition there is not smooth between paragraphs. To transition between paragraphs I used the word "another" a lot.
 * My essay moves in a logical direction stating the similarities first and then the differences, but the transitions are absent. The closest thing I have to a transition is, "The Iroquois Constitution and the United States Constitution also differed in many aspects." The transition there is not smooth between paragraphs. To transition between paragraphs I used the word "another" a lot.
 * My essay probably would still have some doubts after reading it because I didn't explain well enough. I attempt to explain my points such as when I stated, "The Americans had a say in who they wanted to be leader. The Iroquois however, did not get to choose their leaders. The author of the Iroquois Constitution was the only one who had the power..." I should have been more specific in saying who the particular people involved were. I should have put the author of the Iroquois' Constitutions name in the essay. I needed more specific explanation in a lot of places and there were many places where my sources needed to be more clear.
 * In my essay, I do not answer the question "How do you know?" because I do not explain my quotes very well and I didn't get to what I was trying to prove. The overall quality of the evidence I used in the essay was alright, but I needed to explain it a lot more. My strongest evidence was when I was talking about how the two nations are similar in their government structure. I used quotes from both constitutions, but I still should have explained more. My weakest evidence was probably was when I talked about treason and how it is dealt with. I needed to explain a lot more and the last sentence really didn't make much sense saying, "The United States shows that when they would join the traitor’s enemy instead of directly going to war."
 * My evidenced was introduced in saying from which Constitution it came from, but it did not meet in accordance with MLA citation and did not have a works cited format.
 * Each sentence in each paragraph tries to lead to the central point, but isn't very strong. My most coherent paragraph is probably my first body paragraph because I use evidence from both Constitutions and explain how they are similar. I also say specific things like when I named the "United States' House of Representatives and Senate." My least coherent paragraph is probably my second body paragraph because it does not connect very well between the two Constitutions.
 * Every paragraph is not fully developed because they could use a lot more explaining. My best developed paragraph is my first body paragraph because it explains more why the Constitutions are similar in government structure. My worst developed paragraph was my second body paragraph because it never really connects the two Constitutions strongly.
 * My essay is not very clearly written because I had some error in grammar and I could have a better usage of words. An example for an error in grammar was the sentence, "The United States shows that when they would join the traitor’s enemy instead of directly going to war." It should not have the phrase "that when" because with it, it doesn't make any sense.

1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? 2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?
 * My essay is not that interesting because I did not explain very well. It would be more interesting to people who like history and it would be less interesting to kids and people who don't care for history. The most interesting parts are when I state the quotes and the least interesting part is when I explain them. There are parts where readers will be bored, because I didn't explain very well.
 * My essay could have been a lot more effective if I had explained my reasonings more clearly. I don't think it would be very persuasive if other classmates read it because it has weak support.