P3+MParsons

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.


 * __Though both generally reflect their individual societies within their laws and systems, the structure of their democratic government is connected to eachother and is highly similar.__**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2)
 * It expresses the main point as I conclude in my essay that the two constitutions are highly similar.

Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3)
 * The thesis reflects what the essay should have been about, though i should have stuck to it more loyally. Instead, I deterred away from the thesis and developed new ideas.

Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5)
 * It is a neutral statement, although it can be interpretated. "the structure of their democratic government is higly similar." If a person is offended that our constitution is similar to that of the Iroquois, then yes, i suppose it could be negative.

Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument?
 * I argued that the constitutions are extremely alike and have many comparable similarities.

Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.)
 * I did not use the active voice.

Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4)
 * I needed to specify in what ways the two constitutions were similar, it was too broad and general for my essay.

Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)?
 * The statement is a little confusing and I need to be more specific for exactly what ways the constitutions are alike.

B. Introduction and conclusion.

Into: Although Indians are often depicted in history as savages, who were inferior to the American colonists, there are many substancial similarities between both nation's key political documents: their constitutions. //**Though both generally reflect their individual societies within their laws and systems, the structure of their democratic governments are connected to eachother and are highly similar.**//

Conclusion: The Native Americans were thought of as inferior beings by Americans, their actual political systems were extremely alike, and in some ways the Iroqouis constitution surpasses that of the Americans. It is very likely that the Iroquois constitution inspired the United States constitution, as it was written first and was initially shared with the colonists.

Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d)
 * My first paragraph is fairly bland and needs more specific material to focus on.

Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is.
 * I think I make a clear contract with the reader, by stating that I believe the constitutions to be very similar, i just don't expand upon that idea enough.

Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)
 * No, I didn't complete my thought, I left my essay open-ended and unsatisfying.

C. Body

Topic Sentences:

This idea is demonstrated by analyzing how laws were passed in each society.

Within both Congress and the Iroquois Lord system, there are many further similarities, such as creating requirements for an incoming Senate member or Lord.

Best: This idea is demonstrated by analyzing how laws were passed in each society. The United States developed Congress, which "consists of a senate and a House of Representatives." (Art. 1, Sec. 1) This was done to create a balance of power and to prevent any one political group from taking complete control. In the Iroquois Constitution, it is stated that any laws that were proposed had to first "be passed upon by the Mohawk and Seneca Lords. Then it shall be discussed and passed by the Oneida and Cayuga Lords." With this system, the Iroquois were able to ensure that the pending laws were in the best interest of the entire confederacy. both societies hoped to prevent a dictatorship with the use of a multiple house system.

Worst: Within both Congress and the Iroquois Lord system, there are many further similarities, such as creating requirements for an incoming senate member or Lord. Both institutions’ requirements reflect each different society and the main concerns of each as well. The United States feared tyranny and foreign invasion or control. Their specific requirement states “no person shall be a senator who shall not have attained the age of 30 years and be nine years a citizen of the United States…” the age minimum also demonstrates that they wanted their nation’s leaders to be wise, which they believed was acquired with age. The Iroquois Lord requirements were of a much different sort. They stated that “Lords… Shall be mentors of the people… their hearts shall be full of peace and good will…” the Iroquois people were more concerned with morality and internal wisdom, which could be acquired at any age. While the United States wanted their Senate member to be loyal to the United States, proven by a 9 year citizenship, the Iroquois trusted their people to have loyalty as long as they were a genuinely good person.

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?
 * They definitely move in a logical direction and I move forward with my argument, I just don't fully complete my ideas.

Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?
 * The transition is strongest in the second paragraph while it's weakest in the third.

Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected?
 * I made good arguments i just needed to develop them further and connect them in the end. I used specific quotes that were similar to eachother in the two constitutions to show my point. I didn't use actual people. I could have added a historical story to my essay to make it more interesting.

In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4)
 * No, I didn't use the "how do you know" successfully for each claim. My evidence is weakest in the last body paragraph when i just stated the quotes and didn't explain them.

Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3)
 * I forgot to cite the majority of my quotes.

Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least?
 * Most of my sentences connect with my thesis, my conclusion doesn't connect

Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst?
 * I could have developed both of my paragraphs further. The 2nd body paragraph need

Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?
 * I have a few spelling errors, I just rushed too much and didn't read it over at the end. My comma use is wrong in some places and i repeated a thought twice.

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused?
 * The last body paragraph could be confusing as I change subjects pretty abruptly. This essay would most appeal to one who is interested in history and who has background knowledge of the United State's history.

How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?
 * I believe i got my point across in this essay, however i need to develop my thesis further. It isn't specific enough, and i need more examples in my body paragraphs. If i could have incorporated a story into my body paragraph, i would have been able to prove my point more effectively.