P3+KWilson

Thesis statement and essay unity.


 * //"While the Iroquois Constitution uses sybols to represent the punishments brought upon for the poor/ wrong actions, the U.S. Constitution is more straight forward in its laws for the U.S."//**

-No, the thesis statement at the end of the essay doesn't exactly hit the main point I made in the essay. Rather than explaining the true thesis, it appears too short and vague for the reader to comprehend. "All in all, it is obvious to readers that the Iroquois Constituton and the United States are examples of history repeated through document."
 * Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2)**

-Yes, in a way the thesis does reflect everything in that it shows the differences that will be portrayed between the constitutions. The essay does develop the thesis because there isn't much too the thesis so it is obvious.
 * Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3)**

- Technically it is a negative statement due to the mentioning of punishments.
 * Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5)**

-The thesis doesn't make much of an argument into what will be portrayed into the essay. My real argument was how some of the Iroquoi's ideas are reflected into the U.S. constitution.
 * Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument?**

-The clauses are in a somewhat active voice. 1st clause: subject=symbols verb=represents (punishments) 2nd clause: subject=laws verb=straight forward.
 * Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.)**

-No, the thesis doesn't hit why or how, it is explaining an example of what the essay will be discussing. With this, yes the thesis states the reason why.
 * Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4)**

-No the thesis is specifically clear. It is pretty precise and limited, however the controversial and informative aspects are lacking to their fullest extent. Yes it is defensible in that there is background information to prove my thesis true.
 * Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)?**


 * B. Introduction and conclusion.**


 * __Introduction:__**

It is known in society that history repeats itself, whether in document or action form. An example of this is found in the Iroquois and United States Constitution. Because the Iroquois Constitution was written first, it can be understood that the U.S. Constitution reflects it many years later. //**While the Iroquois Constitution uses symbols to represents punishments brought upon for the poor/ wrong actions, the U.S. Constitution is more straight forward in its laws of the U.S.**//


 * __Conclusion:__**

All in all, it is obvious to the readers that the Iroquois Constitution and United States Constitution are examples of history repeated through document. **//With some similarities and differences, each constitution is a word of the people for a secure and easier way of life.//**

-Yes, the first paragraph is somewhat interesting. It doesn't provide the specific material that will likely catch the reader's attention. It does focus on the topic and give concrete detail a bit.
 * Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d)**

- Yes, the contract is how the U.S. Constitution reflects the Iroquois Constitution which was written at an earlier period. This contract is specifically relating to how they are similar and different.
 * Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is.**

-No, the conclusion seems to come to a quick halt rather than easing to a slow stop. In some way it does satisfy the contract but it is not fullfilled to its fullest extent.
 * Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)**


 * C. Body

(Please copy your topic sentences and your best and worst paragraphs here, labeling each.) __Topic Sentences:__** Body Par. 1: Similarly, both constitutions have a well organized structure, in which it is easy to find and understand the given information. Body Par. 2: Also found in the Iroquois Constitution are songs/ words for funerals. Body Par. 3: In each way, the Iroquois Constitution and the United States Constitution have similar goals to accomplish for their reasons in writing the constitutions __**Best Paragraph:**__ Similarly, both constitutions have a well organized structure, in which it is easy to find and understand the given information. The United States has what is called the "House of Representatives" and the Iroquois have the Council Fire; or Confederate Council. The Iroquois Chief is Dekanawidah, who is in charge over all of the Iroquois representatives. In the U.S. there is no specific leader in which is ruling the U.S. Because of this, it is noted that the Iroquois Constitution is told from the perspective of Dekanawidah, in first person. "I am Dekanawidah and with the Fire Nations' Confederate Lords, I plant the Tree of Great Peace." In the United States Constitution, the dialogue is from a completely different standpoint. The U.S. discusses their new laws of life from what seems to be the "first person". This "first person" idea is from the U.S. as a whole, not an individual by themselves. The U.S. is under the democracy, in which they as a people govern themselves. Rather than making up laws as the go along, Americans address themselves as "we" throughout the constitution. "We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility..." In each way, the Iroquois Constitution and the United States Constitution have similar goals to accomplish their reasons in writing the constitutions. Both the Iroquois and the United States of America feel an anarchy is unnecessary which is why the constitutions are created. Having these same purposes allow them to be shown how the U.S. Constitution reflects the Iroquois Constitution.
 * __Worst Paragraph:__**

No, they do not move in a logical direction. I must have lost myself because I've come to realize a lot of it doesn't make sense.
 * Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction?**

- For no apparent reason my essay seems to jump around. I don't know what I was thinking, but I must have lost track of my point because I failed to keep my argument clear and concise.
 * Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason?**

-The essay is truly weak. Although the arguement is somewhat there, the actual meaning behind it seems to get lost through the ramble. All of the transitions are weak because they do not send the reader into the next paragraph with any flow whatsoever.
 * Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?**

No, not really. Because the essay is lacking a developed thesis statement, the person probably wouldn't get to the point of doubting it. If it did make more sense, I would need more examples of stating how history is repeated through document form.
 * Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4)**

-"Because of this, it is noted that the Iroquois Constitution is told from the perspective of Dekanawidah, in first person." This is one example of an actual person mentioned in my essay. The essay can be more interesting if I explained how each leaders of both the Iroquois tribe and of the U.S. were similar or different. Yes, in discussing the "This "first person" idea is from the U.S. as a whole, not an individual by themselves. The U.S. is under the democracy, in which they as a people govern themselves" the specific example needs to be stated more clearly.
 * In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected?**

-No, I do not answer the "How do you know?" of every claim. Because this essay wasn't ready to be finished, there are details that are left out for the reader to understand. The overall quality is simply poop. I didn't go into enough specific examples of how or why my argument was valid. I honestly didn't have a specific stronger or weaker place of evidence. Because there is no evidence I cannot comment on it.
 * In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4)**

-No, no and no. I completely forgot to cite my readings which is a terrible mistake. The MLA citation was not used because my citations are not available.
 * Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citatNoion and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3)**

No, not quite. In a way it goes back to what the essay is about but it is not in a flowy form that it should be. My most coherent paragraph is body paragraph number 1. My least is body paragraph number 3.
 * Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least?**

-No, none of them are. The essay was jumping around so much that not one of them are developed for the reader to understand.
 * Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst?**

-No, there are some errors in the grammar and spelling areas. The essay is somwhat rambling and doesn't flow. My most frequent errors was being redundant.
 * Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?**
 * Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused?** -This essay is not interesting. To readers who are probably very idiotic would this essay be interesting. People who are smart and sophisticated would have a hard time reading it due to its flow. -This essay is not very effective at all. This essay would not persuade other members of the class to believe my thesis statement. I think this because the prompt I chose was bad for my status. Status being the fact that I didn't have an organized plan of how to write my essay.
 * How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?**

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