P4+AMartinez

A. Thesis statement and essay unity. Man has had a tendency to not have the ability to govern themselves without some formal set of guidelines. Going back to the time of the Iroquois, they were the first to establish some guidelines to live by; the American people, being influenced by the Iroquois, produced a document in which somewhat resembled the Iroquois constitution. **//The Iroquois and American Constitution have one concept in common: the flickering idea of organization in government, however, while the Iroquois Constitution emphasizes the values of peace, death, and equal treatment of humanity, the United States Constitution focuses in the equal distribution of power in government and the welfare of it's citizens rights.//** 1. **Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay?** My thesis does interact with my body paragraphs (topic sentences). I made sure that for every body paragraph that I had, it tied back to my plan of attack. For example, "Peace is definitely an attribute in which the world strives to achieve, yet never attains." 1. **Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement?** Well I can't say that my thesis reflected everything in my essay because I didn't have the opportunity to finish it, however as I had mentioned, the body paragraphs that I did have done, always started with a topic sentence that interacted with my thesis. An example, “Death is a concept that most can choose not to respect.” It doesn’t make either, I simply stated the difference between the constitutions. I clearly stated the difference between the two constitutions and I specifically named them so that right there gives me a clear argument and structure for my essay I’m actually not quite sure if I was using the active voice or not. I see that I have verbs in my paragraphs clearly stating what each constitution does but I don’t think I’m using them the right way. I made sure to stay away from verbs like “were” and any other words that sounded passive. I think I nailed it when it came to satisfying the questions of the reader of how and why the constitutions differed. I made sure to state their differences and their one similarity. I think my thesis is informative because I simply state the facts that make the Iroquois and United States Constitution different.
 * 1.** **Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one?**
 * 2.** **Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument?**
 * //“… the Iroquois Constitution emphasizes the values of peace, death, and equal treatment of humanity, the United States Constitution focuses in the equal distribution of power in government and the welfare of it's citizens rights.”//**
 * 3.** **Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? ([|T=S 6]) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.)**
 * 4.** **Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. ([|TS 4])**
 * 5.** **Is your thesis statement clear [|(TS 7)], precise and limited ([|TS 8]), controversial or informative ([|TS 9]), and defensible ([|TS 10])?**


 * B. Introduction and conclusion.

Introduction:** Man has had a tendency to not have the ability to govern themselves without some formal set of guidelines. Going back to the time of the Iroquois, they were the first to establish some guidelines to live by; the American people, being influenced by the Iroquois, produced a document in which somewhat resembled the Iroquois constitution. **//The Iroquois and American Constitution have one concept in common: the flickering idea of organization in government, however, while the Iroquois Constitution emphasizes the values of peace, death, and equal treatment of humanity, the United States Constitution focuses in the equal distribution of power in government and the welfare of it's citizens rights.//**

I wasn’t able to finish it. I think my first paragraph was a little interesting except I don’t think I provided enough explanations to the evidence I put out. I should’ve gone in a little more detail. I think I do make a clear contract with the reader because in my thesis I’m basically laying out what I’m going to be arguing. I give both ends to the story and in my body paragraphs I handle the topics I stated in my thesis. I didn’t get that far.
 * Conclusion:**
 * 1.** **Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d)**
 * 2.** **Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is.**
 * 3.** **Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)**

Topic Sentences:** "Peace is definitely an attribute in which the world strives to achieve, yet never attains." “Death is a concept that most can choose not to respect.” “Women in the Iroquois Constitution have an immense role in their community.” Peace is definitely an attribute in which the world strives to achieve, yet never attains. The Iroquois’ “Jesus Christ”, Dekanawidah, strongly believe in preserving this idea of peace in his society. “If any man or any nation outside the five nations shall obey the laws of the Great Peace…if their minds are clean…they shall be welcomed…” (2nd paragraph). He didn’t want anything or anyone to ruin his community with negativity that could possible cause the demise of his people’s way of life. He formally voices out in the Gayanashwagowa, (Iroquois Constitution) that anyone who decides to turn the other cheek in obeying his rules, the Eagle that sits on top of the Tree of the Long Leaves, will warn his people of “any evil approaching.” Dekanawidah will stop at nothing to preserve this sense of peace and unity amongst his people.
 * C. Body
 * Best Paragraph:**

Women in the Iroquois Constitution have an immense role in their community. They have a say in everything that is done and whatever is of great concern, that doesn’t deal with hunting or weapons, they are a part of. “…men or women of the Confederacy…shall come to the council and upbraid the erring Lord through his War Chief” (Rights, Duties and Qualifications of Lords, #19). The men of the Iroquois community strongly believes and respected the women that thy included them in every aspect of their lives.
 * Worst Paragraph:**

I don’t think I necessarily jumped around, I went in the order of my thesis statement I just rushed it. I didn’t fully explain myself and gave a quick taste of what I was trying to argue. The last paragraph I had done was the weakest because I didn’t get to finish it so I left it hanging. I didn’t have good transition sentences. As I had mentioned I was rushing so I just pulled stuff out to get it done. I think all of my transition sentences were weak. My essay wouldn’t have been anywhere near persuasive because I didn’t finish it and I didn’t fully draw out my ideas or points. My essay had a strong thesis and potential but as I didn’t finish it overall and explain things. I needed to be patient and draw things out more. I did use quotes to back up anything I stated but I should’ve somehow tied it in better. I think my essay fell apart after my first paragraph. I did cite it right but I don’t think I tied it in effectively. Since I didn’t finish my essay it seems that maybe I wasn’t going to talk about the United States Constitution but I know I was in the right direction of arguing my thesis to be true. My first paragraph was the best and my third was the worst. (I already posted them up above) My “best” developed paragraph was my first paragraph because I actually thought about it more but it still wasn’t the best job I could’ve come up with. The middle paragraph was already kind of flaky but the last one wasn’t even finished so it was horrible! I didn’t have any spelling errors but I think as far as grammar goes, I could’ve avoided being verbose. I think it was a little interesting but I know it sounds rushed. For those who like to research historical information and like to analyze it, my essay could be something they could look at to see if they agree in what I say or not. The reader would’ve been confused towards the end because I didn’t finish it and I rushed it even more than the beginning. This wouldn’t be a persuasive essay for anyone but I know my thesis statement would’ve been interesting to think about. It could’ve been a successful essay if I put more time in it and finished it.
 * Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?**
 * 1.** **Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest?**
 * 2.** **Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? ([|DIH 2.4]) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected?**
 * 3.** **In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. ([|DIH 2.4])**
 * 4.** **Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? ([|DIH 2.4], 31a 1 and 3)**
 * 5.** **Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least?**
 * 6.** **Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst?**
 * 7.** **Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?**
 * Overall:**
 * 1.** **How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused?**
 * 2.** **How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?**