P4+MAronson

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.

(Please copy your thesis from your essay here. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.)


 * //However, due to the prior publication of "Dekanawidah," one might say the United States constitution is based on the Iroquois Constitution.//**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) =>I didn't finish my essay, so there is no thesis written at the end that would express the main point I make in the essay.

Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) =>The thesis statement doesn't reflect everything in the essay. The essay mainly focuses on comparing and contrasting the two constitutions--which answers the prompt directly, but does not elaborate on the thesis.

Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) => The thesis makes a negative statement because it sounds like an accusation of the United States.

Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? =>The thesis does posit an argument worth arguing: that the U.S. copied the Iroquois.

Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) =>Yes, every clause is in the active voice. publication=>Dekanawidah is based=>constitution

Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) =>My thesis does not answer "why?" and "how?" It merely makes a statement drawn from the conclusions made in the sentences before it.

Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? =>My thesis is clear, precise and limited, informative, and defensible...but wasn't defended.

B. Introduction and conclusion.

(Please copy your introduction and conclusion from your essay here, labeling each. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.)

__Introduction__ When governing a group of people, documentation of the laws to be instated is important. Similarities can be found throughout history in different constitutions. The Iroquois Constitution and the United States Constitution is an example of similar documents. Their formation of their government--whether it be checks and balances, or the Senate and the House of Representatives, both constitutions resemble each other. **//However, due to the prior publication of "Dekanawidah," one might say the United States Constitution is based on the Iroquois Constitution.//**

__Conclusion__ =>I did not finish my essay and therefore do not have a conclusion.

Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) =>My first paragraph is not very interesting. The hook: "When governing a group of people, documentation of the laws to be instated is important." is not actually a hook. Stating the obvious wouldn't bring a reader in. However, the material that I use later in the paragraph does focus on my topic, but does not catch the reader's attention.

Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. =>I believe that my contract with the reader is clear: the U.S. copied the Iroquois

Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) =>I do not have a conclusion of my essay.

C. Body

(Please copy your topic sentences and your best and worst paragraphs here, labeling each.)

__Topic Sentence 1__ In living in a democracy like America, one sees a system of checks and balances. __Topic Sentence 2__ Both Constitutions might resemble each other, but are very different.

__Best Paragraph__ In living in a democracy like America, one sees a system of checks and balances. "All legislative powers herein granted shal be vested in a Congress of the United States which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives." (Article I, Section I) The House has the "power of impeachment" and the Senate had the power to "try all impeachments". (Article I) In this way, no decision is made without it being agreed upon by both groups. In the Iroquois Constitution, two groups are also present: The Confederate Council and the Fire Keepers. "He shall refuse to confirm a decision if it is not unanimously agreed upon by both sides." (12) The constitutions have set up a system that mirrors each other.

__Worst Paragraph__ Both constitutions might resemble each other, but are very different. Throughout the entire Iroquois Constitution, peace is brought up. "Roots have spread out from the Tree of Great Peace...and their nature is peace and strength." (2) To the Iroquois, peace was supreme. They had an army, but war was a last resort. "The president shall be commander in cheif of the Army and Navy..." (Article II)

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? =>My paragraphs do not move in a logical direction. The first paragraph is trying too hard to convince you that both Constitutions are similar, then has no transition, and is followed by a paragraph that contradicts the rest of the essay. Between "The constitutions have set up a system that mirrors each other" and "Both constitutions might resemble each other, but are very different" there is no transition at all, thus being the weakest. As for any other transitions, I did not get farther in my essay, so I have nothing else to analyze.

Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? =>My essay would not be persuasive to someone who doubts my thesis statement because it contradicts itself within the first 3 paragraphs. My specific comparisons are between the Senate and the House of Representatives and the Confederate Council and the Fire Keepers. Although it is a good comparison, it needs a story or a more specific explanation.

In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) =>How do you know is not answered for my most important point: my thesis. I give examples from both texts but as far as explaining the overall picture, I did not follow through.

Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) =>My evidence is introduced correctly and cited, however I could have embedded the quotes more. I did not make a bibliography in accordance with MLA citation.

Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? =>All of my sentences in each paragraph lead from the topic sentence, but not from where the central point in the essay should be. My most coherent paragraph is my first body paragraph. It beings with the contrast of the 2 documents, but the next paragraph does not continue on the same path. My compare paragraph is the least coherent in my essay.

Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? =>Not every paragraph is fully developed. The most developed is my first body paragraph that contrasts the two Constitutions. The worst developed paragraph is the one following, which compares the constitutions. My essay has a lot of crossed out sentences but is relatively free of errors in grammar and spelling. My most frequent errors are in starting off my transition or topic sentences. I often change my mind and have to start over.

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? =>This essay is not very interesting. It would become more interesting to readers who had read both constitutions and less to those who hadn't read either. The most interesting are the hidden similarities in both documents. The least interesting is where I contradict myself and begin to talk about how similar they are. On the whole, my essay is boring.

How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? =>I do not think that this essay would be effective at persuading anyone to believe my thesis statement on the basis that I never finished it.