P4+KHilva

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.

(Please copy your thesis from your essay here. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.)
 * //The Iroquois Constitution was based around the people.//**

Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) - I did not rewrite my thesis statement at the end. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) -The thesis does not reflect every point. The essay covers more than what was stated in the thesis. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) -The thesis is positive towards one side, however the essay goes about a negative point towards the other. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? -The thesis does not have a fully develpoed argument. The argument was focused on the negative affects caused by the differences between the two constitutions. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) -No, subjects: Iroquois Constitution, people; verbs: was Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) -The thesis does not completely answer "why"; "how" is covered. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)? -Although thesis is not complete, it is presice, clear, informative, and defensible. Not so much controversial

B. Introduction and conclusion.

(Please copy your introduction and conclusion from your essay here, labeling each. Please bold face and italicize your thesis.) -I didn't complete the essay so I do no have a conclusion. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) -The first paragraph may be interesting to those who are interested in the subject. More specific material could have been used. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. -The contract is not extremely clear. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d) -
 * //-The Iroquois Constitution was based around the people.//** All five natoins in whis the constitution was written for are treated as more of a small community. Dekanawida really made peace and equality a big factor in the constitution. "Wthe people of the United States in order to form a more perfect Union..." [Preamble to the U.S. Constitution] This quote was derived from the Iroquois Constitution.

C. Body

(Please copy your topic sentences and your best and worst paragraphs here, labeling each.) __Best:__ -While the Iroquois Constitiution focusses on peace and strength, the U.S. Constitution's goal is said to be "provide for common defense...and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves..."(Preamble). -The purpose of the U.S. Constituion is to unite out nation and secure thing that, for the most part, make us happy. -The Iroquois Constitution was based around the people. __Worst:__ -This quote, although worded almost identical, appears to have two different meanings in the two constitutions: The Iroquois Constitution as said before, is based around the people.

Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? -They do Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? -Some questions may be answered in a less chronological order. Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? -The weakest transition is between the first and second paragraph, they should be one paragraph. -The strongest transition is from the second to the third paragraph. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? -Yes, I explained the reasoning for my thesis and although the full essay is incomplete, the arguments presented are developed. What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? -The Iroquois Constitution is quoted and present day examples are used to explain the arguments. I do not include actual people that live today in my essay, only the founder of the Iroqious Constitution. Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? -The essay can be made more interesting by adding a story or specific example of why the U.S. is not completly happy like we are suppose to be. There are places that need to be expanded upon, such as in my first paragraph; the paragraph jumps right into the prompt instead of introducing my purpose. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) -I don't give enough information to explain "how I know" or "why I think so". I wrote about how the U.S. has failed to come through completley with the words that they say in the Preamble, but I did not give modern examples of why I think so. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) -Every quote I used awas cited right after. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? -Most of the sentences come from the topic sentences. The first and second paragraph sould be one, separately they are the least coherant. The most understandible paragraph is the thrid one, it starts with a fresh sentence but goes along with the same idea. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors? -Not every paragrpah is fully developed, the first and second are not complete the third is a little short but better than the first two. I'm missing a conclusion but the last paragraph makes sense. -The essay is not so unclear that it is confusing, but it could use a lot of work.

Overall:

How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why? -The entire essay will probably not interest the reader unless he/she has a bit interest in this subject. I could add more detail and thought into my work and use stories and more examples to back up my ideas. I do not think the reader will be confused, however I cannot say that the reader will not be bored. -This essay might not be the most effective or persuasive essay to be read. The success in my work would be accomplished if added more to it and used more active thoughts.