P3+SHagen

Welcome!

Please copy the following questions to your individual page and then enter the appropriate responses. Provide evidence (quote from your own essay) whenever possible. Have fun!!!

A. Thesis statement and essay unity.

//**In the current society Hobbes' views are more supported because the basis of the United States is "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness."(US Constitution)**//

1. Does the thesis statement I have written at the end of the essay really express the main point that I make in the essay? (TS 2) 2. Does the thesis statement reflect everything in the essay? Does the essay develop everything in the thesis statement? (TS 3) 3. Does the thesis statement make a positive statement rather than a negative one? (TS 5) 4. Does your thesis posit an argument that is actually worth arguing? What is that argument? 5. Is every clause in the thesis statement in the active voice? (TS 6) (List the subjects and verbs of each clause in your thesis statement below to illustrate your answer.) 6. Does your thesis statement answer the questions "why?" and "how?" to the satisfaction of a doubting reader? Your thesis statement, of course, will not support or explain or provide evidence of why or how, but it should state the reasons why it is true if these will be discussed in the essay. (TS 4) 7. Is your thesis statement clear (TS 7), precise and limited (TS 8), controversial or informative (TS 9), and defensible (TS 10)?
 * Yes, there is textual evidence from Hobbes' //Leviathan// and the US Constitution.
 * Yes, my view on the supremacy of Hobbes' view is fully supported in the essay. Everything from the thesis is developed.
 * Yes, my thesis is a positive statement. "In the current society Hobbes' views **are more supported**..."
 * Yes, the argument is worth arguing. My argument is the fact that Hobbes' views are more supported than Machiavelli's.
 * No, the statement is in the passive voice. **Subject:** Hobbes' views **Verb:** More supported
 * No, my thesis only addresses the how question posed by the reader. It adds support by quoting the US Constitution to address why Hobbes' views are more supported.
 * My thesis is clear, precise and limited, controversial, and defensible.

B. Introduction and conclusion.

Both Niccolo Machiavelli and Thomas Hobbes have very interesting and similar views of mankind but their management philosophies differ dramatically. Many of their teaching and ideas are still used in out current government. **//In the current society Hobbes' views are more supported because the basis of the United States is "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness."(US Constitution)//**
 * Introduction:**


 * Conclusion:**
 * //Today Hobbes' views are more represented in society.//** both Machiavelli and Hobbes were great and influential leaders and their ideals will live on for many more generations.

1. Is your first paragraph interesting? Does it provide concrete and specific material that is likely to catch the reader’s attention and focus it on your topic? (2d) 2. Do you make a clear contract with the reader? Please summarize what you believe your contract is. 3. Does the conclusion of your essay satisfy your contract with the reader? How? (2d)
 * My first paragraph will draw people in because it poses a conflict between two very influential and important philosophers.
 * The contract made with the reader is made in the introduction paragraph. It states that it will be proven Hobbes' view are more supported than Machiavelli's.
 * Yes, the conclusion states **"Today Hobbes's views are more represented in society."**

C. Body


 * Topic Sentence One:**
 * //In Hobbes' Leviathan he discusses the importance of quality between men.//**


 * Topic Sentence Two:**
 * //When Machiavelli and Hobbes begin speaking about telling the truth to their public the views begin to skew.//**


 * Topic Sentence Three:**
 * //Many of these ideals are represented in the current society.//**

In Hobbes's //Leviathan// he discusses the importance of quality between men. Machiavelli never mentions this, although he does mention that a price should always be respectful to his subjects. Both of these ideas are presented in the US Constitution and are still in effect today. Hobbes states that a government is a common power, created to keep the people safe, united, and in harmony. He believes human nature is full of greed and although "all men have a natural right to all things"(//Leviathan//) the government must offer some protection. Machiavelli also presents a similar idea, the main goal of his principalities are to keep people safe. He also believes the ruler should be involved in their principalities. Bush's 2004 campaign paralleled this idea.Bush focused mostly on the war in Iraq while he was giving speeches across the country.
 * Best Paragraph:**

Many of these ideals are represented in the current society. Our leaders do keep secrets from the public, but a limit is imposed and the people are given the right to a transparent government. The United States is ruled by the law rather than by force. George Bush follows the rules and is proper in his position.
 * Worst Paragraph:**

1. Do the paragraphs of your essay move in a logical direction? Does the reader have the experience of getting someplace, of answering questions and moving toward a point? Or does the essay jump around for no apparent reason? 2. Evaluate the overall organization of your essay briefly, and then point out where you think the transition between paragraphs is strongest and where it is weakest? 3. Would your essay be persuasive to someone who doubts your thesis statement? What qualities of evidence or support would make it so? (DIH 2.4) In particular, list your specific examples and clear, vivid cases that illustrate and support your points. Do you write about actual people in the essay? Where could you make the essay more interesting by adding a story, and example, or a more specific explanation? Are there places where you should introduce a source more clearly or fully or where a citation needs to be provided and corrected? 4. In the essay, do you answer the question "How do you know?" of every claim you make in such a way that a doubting reader would be satisfied? Evaluate the overall quality of the evidence you use in the essay, then comment on where you think your evidence is strongest and where you think it is weakest. (DIH 2.4) 5. Is the evidence introduced and explained clearly and cited correctly, when necessary, in accordance with MLA citation and list of works cited format? (DIH 2.4, 31a 1 and 3) 6. Does each sentence in each paragraph lead to or from the central point (the topic sentence)? (2a) What is your most coherent paragraph? What your least? 7. Is every paragraph fully developed? (2c) Which are and which aren’t? What is your best developed paragraph and what your worst? 8. Is this essay clearly written and relatively free of errors in grammar, spelling, and usage? (5d) What are your most frequent errors?
 * The essay is a bit jumpy but within the paragraphs all of the sources are compared.
 * The transition is the strongest between the second and third paragraphs. "Bush's 2004 campaign paralleled this idea, Bush focused mostly on the war in Iraq while he was giving speeches across the country." "When Machiavelli and Hobbes begin speaking about telling the truth to their public the views begin to skew."
 * Yes, my essay would help to persuade a reader who doubts my thesis. Citations are given from the US Constitution and from real-world events to help support the thesis.
 * "How do you know?" questions are answered satisfactorily but not strongly. The quality of evidence is good, but more is needed to make a firm point. The strongest evidence is "A prince must be able to 'convince the people that the hardships are only temporary and, more importantly, create feelings of patriotism and enthusiasm for the city's defense.'" The weakest evidence is "All men have a natural right to all things".
 * Yes, the author's names and titles of work are cited.
 * Yes, all of the sentences explain the ideals of the philosophers and why Hobbes' views are more supported and accepted. My most coherent paragraph is my best paragraph: In Hobbes's //Leviathan// he discusses the importance of quality between men. Machiavelli never mentions this, although he does mention that a price should always be respectful to his subjects. Both of these ideas are presented in the US Constitution and are still in effect today. Hobbes states that a government is a common power, created to keep the people safe, united, and in harmony. He believes human nature is full of greed and although "all men have a natural right to all things"(//Leviathan//) the government must offer some protection. Machiavelli also presents a similar idea, the main goal of his principalities are to keep people safe. He also believes the ruler should be involved in their principalities. Bush's 2004 campaign paralleled this idea.Bush focused mostly on the war in Iraq while he was giving speeches across the country.
 * Two out of the three body paragraphs are fully developed, but my third body paragraph is not. **Best Developed Paragraph:** In Hobbes's //Leviathan// he discusses the importance of quality between men. Machiavelli never mentions this, although he does mention that a price should always be respectful to his subjects. Both of these ideas are presented in the US Constitution and are still in effect today. Hobbes states that a government is a common power, created to keep the people safe, united, and in harmony. He believes human nature is full of greed and although "all men have a natural right to all things"(//Leviathan//) the government must offer some protection. Machiavelli also presents a similar idea, the main goal of his principalities are to keep people safe. He also believes the ruler should be involved in their principalities. Bush's 2004 campaign paralleled this idea.Bush focused mostly on the war in Iraq while he was giving speeches across the country. **Worst Developed Paragraph:**Many of these ideals are represented in the current society. Our leaders do keep secrets from the public, but a limit is imposed and the people are given the right to a transparent government. The United States is ruled by the law rather than by force. George Bush follows the rules and is proper in his position.
 * The essay is clearly written but suffers from one or two small grammatical and spelling errors.

Overall: 1. How interesting is this essay? To what kinds of readers would it be more interesting? To what kinds of readers less interesting? What parts are most and what least interesting? Are there parts where readers will be bored or confused? 2. How effective an essay do you believe this is. That is, how successful would this essay be a persuading the other members of the class to believe your thesis statement? Why?
 * This essay would be interesting to a political and philosophical audience. Two famous philosophers and an important political document are discussed within the essay. The essay does not drag on or ramble and should be a quick read to prevent boredness. This essay would be least interesting to an uneducated audience.
 * This essay is moderately effective, and should be able to somewhat persuade other members of the class to support my thesis. It cites important sources and gives important evidence as support.

Analysis of this essay: